Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Best Intentions

Taunting, I said to her "speak!" I knew she could talk! I was frustrated with her because she wasn't letting me in. I insisted that she did. Afterall, it was two weeks and she no longer held "new girl status". She had immigrated to Canada from Yugoslavia. Her name was Lydia. She looked like a porcelain doll. Her hair was so straight and shiny. Chestnut brown. Her eyes were almond shape and big, chocolate brown. Her mouth kind of pouty with red, red glossy lips. Her cheeks a glow with red. Blushing always. She stood in line silently. I used to smile and tell her to join me. I had never been rejected by my kindness before. I didn't know if I could stand it. Apparently not. She just turned the other way. I was hurt. Didn't she know that?

I finally lost patience and cornered her one day in the alley. I knew she could speak. I knew she had it in her!!!! I wanted to be her friend. Instead, my persistent nature scared her away. I was much taller than her and despite my best intentions, I frightened her.

She wasn't in our class for more than a few months. She moved away again to the east. We never made a lasting connection but I always wondered about whether she finally spoke up in her class. What was her voice like. I bet it was soft and angelic. It will remain a mystery forever.

Somtimes people come and go in your life.  Sometimes out of choice and other times out of pure circumstances. Sometimes your best intentions get lost and you make mistakes.
Sometimes people let you in and it`s just by chance. 

the birds and the bees

I shiver at the thought of having this discussion with my son one day. It will likely be passed onto his father. You know, man to man, father and son stuff. Yup. That's okay with me. I will just remain a resource if need be.

It got me thinking about when my father was brave enough to tackle this one with his daughters. We were in his bedroom on Norway and we got "called in". He was a shift worker so to have him home through the night was a special treat. It usually meant we would hassle him in his bed for a while before we kissed goodnight. I used to cuddle up next to him and he liked to sleep with no shirt on. It meant his underarms were there for the taking. A tickle that is. I was all about tickling and touching his underarm hair. Lord knows I got in enough trouble for it. He hated being tickled. It made him feel powerless. Yup. I get that now when the kids tickle me in daycare.

Anyway, he began this talk by stalling and saying.. "You've heard a little about the birds and the bees, I bet? "Huh?", I said, trying with all my might to be convincing. First of all, I didn't want to admit that I probably knew more than I should, having a big sis and all. Secondly, I wanted to see him in his awkward, daddy glory. It was kind of amusing to see your parents a little squeamish when you're a kid. I let it all unfold and remained silent. Taking it all in like it was hot off the press! He did a wonderful job. It was practical, to the point and not too gross!!!

Thanks Dad.


Thursday, September 06, 2007

One short year

In one short year, I feel like I have soaked up more about life than all of the previous years without you in it. I owe you a great deal. You are a little boy who has evolved into something so precious that words just can't convey. You are deeply embedded in my heart and soul.

Your first year has been so wonderful. I haven't worn much make-up nor have I dressed up with any formal attire. My eyebrows are not plucked and my sleep deprivation has given me dark circles under my eyes. Sometimes I stand in the shower and remember how good it feels to let the water run down my back but then I realize I don't want to miss another minute without you. You see, all of these things will eventually be reintroduced back into my life again. Someday I will wear make-up again and my hair might have a slight curl put in it or won't be tied back. For the time being, you need me to be close by often and I need you to know that I am right there.

You seem very happy to be around us so we must be doing something right. I sometimes wonder if your face ever tires from smiling. You awaken with a smile and you ease into slumber with a little grin on your face. Your smile is genuine and playful. You have even made grumpy men standing in line smile. You stare until they make eye contact with you and although they aren't wearing a smile at that time, you make sure they leave with one.

There is so much I want for you in this life-time. One of the greatest things is to know peace and love. I hope your journey is filled with the security of knowing your parents really think the world of you.