Tuesday, August 13, 2013

ride this wave!

I have stopped blogging since my daughter's birth.  My thoughts have taken the back burner and the last nearly five years have flown by!  How could that be? 

Where have I been? 

I have been trying to keep my head afloat running a home-based daycare with my head stuck in piles of endless laundry, multi-aged toys and clutter.  I have been too busy scraping dried up glue from table tops, scrubbing fingerprint marks etched in my walls like the Hollywood strip and watching two children of my own grow up right before my eyes with such tenacity and vigour, I am just catching my breath! 

I have also came to the reality that life has not always been what I had envisioned and sometimes it was painful to put into written words.  My truth had to reside quietly within before I could make sense of it all.  It gripped my writing style because I had specific terms that must be maintained.  Being real was one of them.  Perhaps saying nothing meant I wasn't being dishonest, at least. 

When you reach forty, I think for many, you let go of a lot of things.  You suddenly realize, judgement doesn't belong in your corner and those who care to judge can take their asses someplace else.  You suddenly become okay with being human and throwing away any scorecards you ever had.  You arrive to a place where you can speak without reservation but still maintain your integrity.  You let go of outcomes a lot easier than in your early adult years where I recall with great detail, the level of "ownership" I placed on people's reactions or ideas of me. 

So, here I am, ready to share with whomever might care to join me and get ready to ride the wave with me.  The wave called life!  The beautiful ebbs and flows that carry great gusto and magic in shaping our future paths where nothing is certain and there are so many variables involved! 

Hope you will visit from time to time and share your stories with me.  xoxoxo

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Basket Weaving

It has been drawn to my attention that parenthood has altered me in a big way. I am mean, duh!  You think! Gone are the days where I would pack up a couple of items for an impromptu road trip--destination unknown.  Better yet, decide to move away to a new city just because I needed to shake things up a bit!

My life seems to have taken on a much more rigid flavour than a girl like me would ever dream of! Schedules, multi-tasking, girls’ night outs that have to be marked on the calendar 3 months in advance, practical spending habits that were already too practical to begin with, a division of head space that is usually consumed with kids, kids and more kids.

My husband has gently urged me to pick up a fictional book in my spare time. Ha! I laugh out loud at the quick fix approach men tend to offer to help a woman escape reality. I am a woman who has somehow lost herself through her travels of motherhood. How did this happen anyway? Have five years really passed?

I shudder at the thought that I have not read a single novel (a favourite past-time of mine pre-motherhood) and my fixation with fact-finding, how-to manuals and parenting bibles now.  I laugh to myself when I actually have to do self-talk while on a date with friends to ensure that I don’t overdose on Mommy talk or worse, forget how to engage in an adult conversation and get caught up in the silence, the golden silence that my ears are no longer accustomed to.

It hasn’t all been bad! Truly! I am a wife and mom like millions of other Canadian women out there who has taken a time-out from the “rat race” only to find myself in a “Mouse trap” of being with kiddies and their sweet board games all day! Trust me, life has offered me an abundance of blessings and I am especially grateful for my loving family who need me. Bottom line is, I need me too!

It has taken me a long time to get where I am today. “What now?”, I ask myself in the mirror as I scramble to brush my teeth and hair as a new day unfolds. “Is that a new crease in my forehead?” I never had frown lines before! Not ever!

It only stands to reason that when you put all your eggs in one basket, the basket wears down by its weight and it eventually starts to give. Before you know it, there are eggs spilling onto the floor and making an unsightly mess! You then have to think of an alternate arrangement.. Perhaps weaving some baskets to allow the proper distribution of eggs would do the trick. They will preserve the life of the baskets for starters, they will all weigh the same and they will be replenished accordingly. A perfect solution!

I am not a cliche kind of girl but for this visualization exercise I will ask you to imagine 4 baskets. One is labelled Children, Husband, Friends/Family and the last My Whole Self.  Perhaps this will be an honest reminder to make a concerted effort to distribute my efforts equally to all of these baskets. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Boxing Day Baby

Today I am missing her.  It is her birthday and I will always think of her on Boxing Day.  She would have been 39.  When she visits me in my dreams, she is the girl I knew and loved before her illness ravaged her healthy body.  Her hair flows, her stance is strong and athletic, skin golden, voice assertive but girlish sweet. 

I can't help but think of the phone call I received from her.  The "what-if" phone call that filled the air with such worry and fear.  The futile attempt I made to conceal my own fears for her.  Did I offer her any ounce of comfort when she reached out to me?  Our fears became reality hours later when the doctor delivered the news to her.  She would suffer the same fate as her mother who left her when she was nineteen year young.  Much too young to have to navigate life without a mother, but she did.  She fared well and made a good life for herself. 

College student.  Athlete.  Dancer.  Dedicated employee.  Highschool sweetheart romance and marriage.  Young and vibrant mom to three beautiful children.  I was elected to be one of her labour coaches and witnessed the birth of her firstborn child.  She made childbirth seem like a sinch and soon after delivery, she was walking around like she was ready for the volleyball court!  An entrepreneur at heart, she followed her passion and created a huge beach volleyball league in Hamilton.  She went from pulling together a few teams to quench her love for volleyball and played all summer long!  Eventually, she couldn't keep up with over 400 members, sourcing help from friends to keep beach volleyball alive on the Hamilton beachstrip! 

A simulataneous grin came upon my face as my thoughts danced back and forth to the sweetest memories I have of her.  The very first time we met- 14.  She was a rebellious teenager with a look of innocence to her.  A crinkled nose when she laughed.  The curliest hair.  Ever.  She looked like an older version of Shirley Temple.  A giggle that resembled cookie monster and it could make you laugh for hours.  In fact, I laughed the same way in her presence and were mocked about it.  A feist in her that could stand up to anyone and I was the friend who provided the voice of reason.  She actually listened to me when she wouldn't to most.  We spent many long beautiful summers together.  We ran the camp store and offered dancing lessons to those smaller kids who thought we had the moves!  We delighted in their idolizations of us. 

I wish we had more time on this earth together to grow into really old friends but my heart feels happy to know these memories will reside with me forever.

Peace to you Boxing Day Baby--  Leah.  I miss our giggle fests.  xoxoxo

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I am glad to be a person who is fuelled by human relationships.  I am glad to wear my heart on my sleeve and keep it real.  I am glad to have a collection of friends from different generations, cultures and interests.  I am glad to be afforded a home-life where things are kept simple but always feel abundant.  I am glad to have a rich relationship with my Grandmother.  I am glad to love deeply and feel my heart swell when something is touching.  I am glad to eat veggies and actually enjoy them!  I am glad I have fallen hard a few times because it keeps me grounded.  I am glad to have known what it means to be poor because I now know how to stretch a dollar even when I don't have to.  I am glad to have dreams that are far enough out of reach to keep me motivated.  I am glad to know how to soothe someone's heart.  I am glad to be warm on a cold winter's night.  I am glad to be a girl in a woman's body so I can enjoy the perfect balance between naivety and wisdom.  I am glad to have had a few strict teachers who challenged me.  I am glad I have been told off by a few people.  I am glad to have gotten the last word in with some others.  I am glad to possess strong intuition and have learned to trust my gut more.  I am glad to have a husband who still gives me butterflies when we exchange glances-- most times.  I am glad to be more selective with my company because time is precious!  I am glad I am outraged by litter bugs and bullies.  I am glad to have birthed two beautiful babies.  I am glad to fear less and believe more.  I am glad to be moved to tears by beautiful music.  I am glad to have dipped my toes in the ocean.  I am glad to have held a stranger's hand.  I am glad to savour a sweet, long kiss.  I am glad to have shared this moment with you. 

Saturday, October 08, 2011


It has come to my attention that I am almost forty. I glanced into my rear view mirror today and caught a glimpse of my "crow's feet", which almost resemble really long beautiful eye lashes sculpting the sides of my eyes. However, when I looked closer, it was rather apparent that they were solid, creases of the non-lash type. I stared at myself for a couple of minutes. I wondered how many smiles my face has worn and how many days I had squinted due to the beautiful sunshine on my face. This made me see those lines in a different light.   Hooray, I am alive and well!   

I wish for a time...

I have some time tonight to think about how it came to be that I lost touch with you for so long.

Nearly 3 years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful girl.  Since then, my life has felt a transformation of sorts.  For starters,this is the longest case of writer's block I've had!  I think it is my sleep-deprived state that provides an ample dose of mind fog on a daily basis.  Wait, did I change my underwear today?  Geesh! 

Tonight, my husband asked a darling yet interesting question and I think I surprised him with my answer.  He said, "When you were younger, is this where you hoped you would eventually be?"  I responded a quick NO.  But wait!  Let me back up!  I think for the most part, yes!  However, there is an element that really surprises me about the path I have found myself on.  I had always tried to think outside the box.  I had always yearned for a somewhat unconventional lifestyle.  

This year, we embarked on a purchase of a new home.  In a subdivision.  Hmmmm.. not so sure how I feel about that.  I will get back to you on that one.  I had tried to convince my husband of a one year retreat to B.C. but it was kabashed due to his own need for a sense of security.  I get that.  Having said that, I think we sometimes need to push outside our comfort zones to test the waters and see if we are pleasantly surprised.  Life is a gamble and it is too short, that is for darn sure.  It is also about compromisng with your partner....

I still daydream about a time when I will be strolling down a beach in Western Canada, feeling as free as a bird... with my children splashing in the ocean and my husband's hand in mine.  I look forward to a time when courage will see us embark on a little adventure we can call our own-- even if only for a short while. 

I wish for a time.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Baby Girl!!

She has arrived... our sweet baby girl!!!!!

A dreamy, calm state has come over me. I am soothed by your presence. I hold you close and surround myself in your loveliness. Your sweet smell. Your gentle breath. Your curious eyes and silly grunts.

When you were born, I cried and cried tears of joy. I pinch myself often to make sure this is real. I wouldn't trade anything for these three treasures in my life. You. Your Brother. Your Daddy. Our family. Thank you for coming into our lives sweet girl.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Within Reach

Each day that goes by, you become closer to our hearts. We imagine what you will look like and what kind of little person you will become. Each day, I get a closer glimpse of what life for your brother will be like upon your arrival. I know he will love you and be so excited to have a new playmate that doesn't have to go home at the end of the day. I am sure he will look for you in the morning when he wakes and he will kiss you goodnight with sweet, tender kisses. I can also bet he will have good intentions most of the time but he may test you.  Often.  He may poke you or get too curious about you.

We are only days away from meeting you. We wonder if you will be a boy or a girl. Either way, we can only hope you will be as happy to join our family as we eagerly await your arrival. Loving you and so glad you are within reach. We will just wait now.