ode to our bebe

Basket Weaving

2012-01-29T22:23:00.005-05:00

It has been drawn to my attention that parenthood has altered me in a big way. I am mean, duh! You think! Gone are the days where I would pack up a couple of items for an impromptu road trip--destination unknown. Better yet, decide to move away to a new city just because I needed to shake things up a bit!
My life seems to have taken on a much more rigid flavour than a girl like me would ever dream of! Schedules, multi-tasking, girls’ night outs that have to be marked on the calendar 3 months in advance, practical spending habits that were already too practical to begin with, a division of headspace that is usually consumed with kids, kids and more kids.

My husband has gently urged me to pick up a fictional book in my spare time. Ha! I laugh out loud at the quick fix approach men tend to offer to help a woman escape reality. I am a woman who has somehow lost herself through her travels of motherhood. How did this happen anyway? Have five years really passed?

I shudder at the thought that I have not read a single novel (a favourite past-time of mine pre-motherhood) and my fixation with fact-finding, how-to manuals and parenting bibles have found their way into my nightly bed-time routine. I laugh to myself when I actually have to do self-talk while on a date with friends to ensure that I don’t overdose on Mommy talk or worse, forget how to engage in an adult conversation and get caught up in the silence, the golden silence that my ears are no longer accustomed to.

It hasn’t all been bad! Truly! I am a wife and mom like millions of other Canadian women out there who has taken a time-out from the “rat race” only to find myself in a “Mouse trap” of being with kiddies and their sweet board games all day! Trust me, life has offered me an abundance of blessings and I am especially grateful for my loving family who need me. Bottom line is, I need me too!

It has taken me a long time to get where I am today. “What now?”, I ask myself in the mirror as I scramble to brush my teeth and hair as a new day unfolds. “Is that a new crease in my forehead?” I never had frown lines before! Not ever!

It only stands to reason that when you put all your eggs in one basket, the basket wears down by its weight and it eventually starts to give. Before you know it, there are eggs spilling onto the floor and making an unsightly mess! You then have to think of an alternate arrangement.. Perhaps weaving some baskets to allow the proper distribution of eggs would do the trick. They will preserve the life of the baskets for starters, they will all weigh the same and they will be replenished accordingly. A perfect solution!

I am not a cliché kind of girl but for this visualization exercise I will ask you to imagine 4 baskets. One is labelled Children, Husband, Friends/Family and the last My Whole Self. When I initially typed them, I allowed myself to choose randomly what order the baskets would be place in. Perhaps this will be an honest reminder to me where my priorities are right now. It may also help me to gauge where my priorities should be.

In my ideal world, this is how I wish to arrange those baskets in the future.

My Whole Self, Husband, Children, Family/Friends. I will keep you apprised of this progress. Wish me luck!

Boxing Day Baby

2011-12-27T20:11:00.001-05:00

Today I am missing her. It is her birthday and I will always think of her on Boxing Day, as I did when she was alive. She would have been 39. When she visits me in my dreams, she is the girl I knew and loved before her illness ravaged her healthy body. Her hair flows, her stance is strong and athletic, skin golden, voice assertive but girlish sweet.

I can't help but think of the phone call I received from her. The "what-if" phone call that filled the air with such worry and fear. The futile attempt I made to conceal my own fears for her. Did I offer her any ounce of comfort when she reached out to me? Our fears became reality hours later when the doctor delivered the news to her. She would suffer the same fate as her mother who left her when she was nineteen year young. Much too young to have to navigate life without a mother, but she did. She fared well and made a good life for herself.

College student. Athlete. Dancer. Dedicated employee. Highschool sweetheart romance and marriage. Young and vibrant mom to three beautiful children. I was elected to be one of her labour coaches and witnessed the birth of her firstborn child. She made childbirth seem like a sinch and soon after delivery, she was walking around like she was ready for the volleyball court! An entrepreneur at heart, she followed her passion and created a huge beach volleyball league in Hamilton. She went from pulling together a few teams to quench her love for volleyball and played all summer long! Eventually, she couldn't keep up with over 400 members, sourcing help from friends to keep beach volleyball alive on the Hamilton beachstrip!

A simulataneous grin came upon my face as my thoughts danced back and forth to the sweetest memories I have of her. The very first time we met- 14. She was a rebellious teenager with a look of innocence to her. A crinkled nose when she laughed. The curliest hair. Ever. She looked like an older version of Shirley Temple. A giggle that resembled cookie monster and it could make you laugh for hours. In fact, I laughed the same way in her presence and were mocked about it. A feist in her that could stand up to anyone and I was the friend who provided the voice of reason. She actually listened to me when she wouldn't to most. We spent many long beautiful summers together. We ran the camp store and offered dancing lessons to those smaller kids who thought we had the moves! We delighted in their idolizations of us.

I wish we had more time on this earth together to grow into really old friends but my heart feels happy to know these memories will reside with me forever.

Peace to you Boxing Day Baby-- Leah Jankus. I miss our giggle fests. xoxoxo

Glad!

2011-12-18T22:46:00.004-05:00

I am glad to be a person who is fuelled by human relationships. I am glad to wear my heart on my sleeve and keep it real. I am glad to have a collection of friends from different generations, cultures and interests. I am glad to be afforded a home-life where things are kept simple but always feel abundant. I am glad to have a rich relationship with my Grandmother. I am glad to love deeply and feel my heart swell when something is touching. I am glad to eat veggies and actually enjoy them! I am glad I have fallen hard a few times because it keeps me grounded. I am glad to have known what it means to be poor because I now know how to stretch a dollar even when I don't have to. I am glad to have dreams that are far enough out of reach to keep me motivated. I am glad to know how to soothe someone's heart. I am glad to be warm on a cold winter's night. I am glad to be a girl in a woman's body so I can enjoy the perfect balance between naivety and wisdom. I am glad to have had a few strict teachers who challenged me. I am glad I have been told off by a few people. I am glad to have gotten the last word in with some others. I am glad to possess strong intuition and have learned to trust my gut more. I am glad to have a husband who still gives me butterflies when we exchange glances-- most times. I am glad to be more selective with my company because time is precious! I am glad I am outraged by litter bugs and bullies. I am glad to have birthed two beautiful babies. I am glad to fear less and believe more. I am glad to be moved to tears by beautiful music. I am glad to have dipped my toes in the ocean. I am glad to have held a stranger's hand. I am glad to savour a sweet, long kiss. I am glad to have shared this moment with you. xoxoxo

Aging

2011-10-08T21:57:00.002-05:00

It has come to my attention that I am almost forty. I glanced into my rearview mirror today and caught a glimpse of my "crow's feet", which almost resemble really long beautiful eye lashes sculpting the sides of my eyes. However, when I looked closer, it was rather apparent that they were solid, creases of the non-lash type. I stared at myself for a couple of minutes. I wondered how many smiles my face has worn and how many days I had squinted due to the beautiful sunshine on my face. This made me see those lines in a different light. Hooray, I am ALIVE and MOSTLY JOYFUL!

I wish for a time...

2011-10-08T21:44:00.001-05:00

I have some time tonight to think about how it came to be that I lost touch with you for so long. Nearly 3 years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful girl. Since then, my life has felt a transformation of sorts. For starters, I do not have so much time to write but most of my ponderings seem to be contemplations of the mind that can't seem to be articulated in a written format.

Tonight, my husband asked a darling yet interesting question and I think I surprised him with my answer. He said, "When you were younger, is this where you hoped you would eventually be?" I responded a quick NO. But wait! Let me back up! I think for the most part, YES! However, there is an element that really surprises me about the path I have found myself on. I had always tried to think outside the box. I had always yearned for an unconventional lifestyle.

This year, we embarked on a purchase of a new home. In a subdivision. I had tried to convince my husband of a one year retreat to B.C. but it was kabashed due to his own need for a sense of security. I get that. Having said that, I think we sometimes need to push outside our comfort zones to test the waters and see if we are pleasantly surprised. Life is a gamble and it is too short!

We now love our new home and have spent lots of time making it feel just right!

I still daydream about a time when I will be strolling down a beach in Western Canada, feeling as free as a bird... with my children splashing in the ocean and my husband's hand in mine. I look forward to a time when courage will see us embark on a little adventure we can call our own-- even if only for a short while.

I wish for a time....

Baby Chloe!

2009-02-21T06:31:00.002-05:00

She has arrived... our sweet baby girl!!!!!

A dreamy, calm state has come over me. I am soothed by your presence. I hold you close and surround myself in your loveliness. Your sweet smell. Your gentle breath. Your curious eyes and silly grunts.

When you were born, I cried and cried tears of joy. I pinch myself often to make sure this is real. I wouldn't trade anything for these three treasures in my life. You. Your Brother. Your Daddy. Our family. Thank you for coming into our lives sweet girl.

Within Reach

2009-01-17T23:31:00.003-05:00

Each day that goes by, you become closer to our hearts. We imagine what you will look like and what kind of little person you will become. Each day, I get a closer glimpse of what life for your brother will be like upon your arrival. I know he will love you and be so excited to have a new playmate that doesn't have to go home at the end of the day. I am sure he will look for you in the morning when he wakes and he will kiss you goodnight with sweet, tender kisses. I can also bet he will have good intentions most of the time but he may allow your cuteness to get the best of him and then he will get carried away with his affections. He may poke you or get too curious about you and annoy you a little.

We are only days away from meeting you. We wonder if you will be a boy or a girl. Either way, we can only hope you will be as happy to join our family as we eagerly await your arrival. Loving you and so glad you are within reach. We will just wait now.

parenting the strong-willed child

2008-10-28T19:22:00.002-05:00

I am reading a book right now about strong-willed children. It offers a five week program to diminish behavioural issues relating to strong-willed children and how to maximize the many positive attributes associated with this personality type.

I haven't entirely "bought in" to this concept but figure I have nothing to loose. I wonder if my parents contemplated picking up some reading material on the subject throughout their child rearing days with me.

I often argue that with my personality type there are many, many wonderful aspects I can offer to this world and you've got to take the good with the bad. My husband is reminded of this during every conflict we may encounter. The bull in me resides. It will always remain.

It will be interesting to see how this unfolds. My sister is secretly laughing and I am sure my parents are too!

Stay tuned......

A random quote of the day

2008-09-12T09:45:00.001-05:00

I come to thee an empty canvass. It is only with you I can become a masterpiece.
- Laura K. on the subject of marriage to her husband.

everything miniature

2008-08-06T18:52:00.003-05:00

It occured to me the other day that I have neglected to ever write about my love for dolls and everything miniature. My husband just learned this recently too. I suppose it has been a hidden delight of mine.

Everything miniature has a place in my heart but doll houses and train sets are my absolute favourite. With another child on the way, I wonder if I can have the best of both worlds one day... even if we have another boy. What's wrong with doll houses??? Do you suppose a house full of boys would embrace the idea?? If we are blessed with a girl, I will at least have an ally!

I remember visiting a specialty shop on Main Street one day in Hamilton. It was full of teddy bears and doll houses. I stayed there for a very long visit. I peeked into every window of every doll house and imagined what it was like to live there. I wished for a second I could be one of the dolls. The comfort of the little chairs and beds. The delicate lamps that were operational and added such ambiance. The magic of it all. I used to play with dolls for hours on end as a young girl. I would give them such precious names that I one day had hoped to name my own children after. Valerie and Chrissy topped the list. I shudder at the thought of naming a child that now.... not that there is anything wrong with those names! haha!

I used to believe my dolls were alive when I left them at night. The mystery. The magic of childhood. My sister would often make my life even more magical by moving the dolls when I wasn't looking! It made me believe!

on the subject of yams

2008-08-06T18:43:00.002-05:00

I am creeping into my own society of warmth. I am trying to eliminate the wasteful things we do in a day that makes time escape us so quickly. Afterall, it is only time we have in the grand scheme of things. I have been dreaming vivid, colourful dreams lately. I am sure it is because my state of mind is feeling free. My dream cycle is always a good indication of my mental health. There were days, though long ago, my dreams were full of panic-stricken fear. I sleep better now.

Perhaps with age we come to a place where we find peace in so many crevices of our lives. I yam what I yam. I am okay with who I yam. I even love yams.

My short story in progress

2008-05-19T18:00:00.003-05:00

He stood at ground level. Pulled himself up into the window that welcomed him. Wide open with remnants of glass that looked like sharp teeth now surrounding him as he carefully jumped down. Shattered glass spilling all over the floor below. He tossed his bag aside and wiped the sweat off his brow. Gulped some water from his battered old water bottle that had been refilled several times. The label now faded. He stood for a moment with his hands on his hips and surveyed the room. "It will do", he said quietly to himself. "It will have to."

He lost track of how many days he spent there. He had set up a place to sleep- a blanket and some cardboard beneath to bear some of the dampness that ravaged the house when the sun went down. Sometimes he could see his own breath. Often he would shiver himself to sleep while trying to hum one of his favourite songs. Quiet. Stillness filled the air. A good night's sleep was a mere fantasy. He remembered the comfort of a mattress, the fluffiness of a pillow, the tossing and turning and feel of her warmth. Her breath sometimes tickled his neck as she spooned him good night. It was all gone. A faded memory. A single ounce of love that sustained him like a feast for a thousand Lords.

precious furnishings

2008-02-12T19:14:00.002-05:00

I am the memory foam mattress. I try to absorb your aches and pains and make your tired body feel at ease. I am soft, comfy and warm. I send you off to slumber with comforting thoughts and gentle loving words. Most times. My springs are sturdy and I bounce right back when I have been utilized. I am resiliant.

My husband is the bookshelf. He stores lots of useful information. He is a fine work of craftmanship. He is made of wood but he is full of many layers and depending on how you look at him, you see a different grain. He is natural and beautiful. He is solid and sturdy. He will hold and store many things for you to ease your burden. He will still stand tall and strong even when he is overloaded. He will be loyal and keep your possessions safe until you return for them.

My son- he is our hope chest.

Are you always listening?

2007-10-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

I will tell you what I am thinking.

I am filled with lovingkindness most times. Today, I am filled with grief. I am filled with heartache from time to time when you do things that don't make sense to me. In the end, they will all make sense but for now, I am full of questions.

I haven't always been thankful. I haven't always been wise. I have mistreated the gifts you have given me but I retreat back on the path you have chosen for me. I believe in you. I really can't tell you how gracious and kind you've been to me so far. I have an enormous amount of thankfulness stored up inside of me to last me several life-times. I know I only get one though and one is enough. I will make it count. I will do my best and I will listen to you when you try to offer my subtle advice.

Today, I pleaded with you while I was driving. I speak to you often. I know you are close but are you always listening?

Please offer all of my loved ones the same courage, love and strength you have given to me. I shall do whatever I can, not to disappoint you.

AMEN.

Best Intentions

2007-09-18T21:34:00.000-05:00

Taunting, I said to her "speak!" I knew she could talk! I was frustrated with her because she wasn't letting me in. I insisted that she did. Afterall, it was two weeks and she no longer held "new girl status". She had immigrated to Canada from Yugoslavia. Her name was Lydia. She looked like a porcelain doll. Her hair was so straight and shiny. Chestnut brown. Her eyes were almond shape and big, chocolate brown. Her mouth kind of pouty with red, red glossy lips. Her cheeks a glow with red. Blushing always. She stood in line silently. I used to smile and tell her to join me. I had never been rejected by my kindness before. I didn't know if I could stand it. Apparently not. She just turned the other way. I was hurt. Didn't she know that?

I finally lost patience and cornered her one day in the alley. I knew she could speak. I knew she had it in her!!!! I wanted to be her friend. Instead, my persistent nature scared her away. I was much taller than her and despite my best intentions, I frightened her.

She wasn't in our class for more than a few months. She moved away again to the east. We never made a lasting connection but I always wondered about whether she finally spoke up in her class. What was her voice like. I bet it was soft and angelic. It will remain a mystery forever.

Somtimes people come and go in your life. Sometimes out of choice and other times out of pure circumstances. Sometimes your best intentions get lost and you make mistakes.
Sometimes people let you in and it`s just by chance.

the birds and the bees

2007-09-18T21:18:00.000-05:00

I shiver at the thought of having this discussion with my son one day. It will likely be passed onto his father. You know, man to man, father and son stuff. Yup. That's okay with me. I will just remain a resource if need be.

It got me thinking about when my father was brave enough to tackle this one with his daughters. We were in his bedroom on Norway and we got "called in". He was a shift worker so to have him home through the night was a special treat. It usually meant we would hassle him in his bed for a while before we kissed goodnight. I used to cuddle up next to him and he liked to sleep with no shirt on. It meant his underarms were there for the taking. A tickle that is. I was all about tickling and touching his underarm hair. Lord knows I got in enough trouble for it. He hated being tickled. It made him feel powerless. Yup. I get that now when the kids tickle me in daycare.

Anyway, he began this talk by stalling and saying.. "You've heard a little about the birds and the bees, I bet? "Huh?", I said, trying with all my might to be convincing. First of all, I didn't want to admit that I probably knew more than I should, having a big sis and all. Secondly, I wanted to see him in his awkward, daddy glory. It was kind of amusing to see your parents a little squeamish when you're a kid. I let it all unfold and remained silent. Taking it all in like it was hot off the press! He did a wonderful job. It was practical, to the point and not too gross!!!

Thanks Dad.

xoxoxox

One short year

2007-09-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

In one short year, I feel like I have soaked up more about life than all of the previous years without you in it. I owe you a great deal. You are a little boy who has evolved into something so precious that words just can't convey. You are deeply embedded in my heart and soul.

Your first year has been so wonderful. I haven't worn much make-up nor have I dressed up with any formal attire. My eyebrows are not plucked and my sleep deprivation has given me dark circles under my eyes. Sometimes I stand in the shower and remember how good it feels to let the water run down my back but then I realize I don't want to miss another minute without you. You see, all of these things will eventually be reintroduced back into my life again. Someday I will wear make-up again and my hair might have a slight curl put in it or won't be tied back. For the time being, you need me to be close by often and I need you to know that I am right there.

You seem very happy to be around us so we must be doing something right. I sometimes wonder if your face ever tires from smiling. You awaken with a smile and you ease into slumber with a little grin on your face. Your smile is genuine and playful. You have even made grumpy men standing in line smile. You stare until they make eye contact with you and although they aren't wearing a smile at that time, you make sure they leave with one.

There is so much I want for you in this life-time. One of the greatest things is to know peace and love. I hope your journey is filled with the security of knowing your parents really think the world of you.

Number 155!!!!!

2007-08-27T21:28:00.000-05:00

Incredible. Incredible, I tell you.

I usually have trouble sticking to things in my leisure world. In the responsible aspects of my life, I am dreadfully loyal. Committed. Period.

I have tried to keep this blogging alive!!!!! It has almost been a year! Hooray! It has really served me well. I have written over 155 passages. I know some have been dry, boring or negative but others have been really fun to write, healing in nature and just plain old good for the soul.

Raise your mouse pad to me for sticking to it! YAY!

A day in late August

2007-08-20T21:42:00.000-05:00

dew worms everywhere
sunlight peeking through the windows
cool, breezy afternoon
a simmering sauce on the stove filled with fresh herbs from our garden
a perfect cup of coffee warms my hands
baseball game on the television
my to-do list has all been checked off
husbands are like comfort food most of the time
a quiet telephone
open windows and blowing curtains please me
a baby awakens from his nap
I am at home on a Sunday afternoon with my family.

The Cycle Of Life

2007-08-06T20:50:00.000-05:00

There are times when my strong sense of intuition begins yelling out and I now try to pay more attention to it. Only this time, I hope it is wrong.

My sister and I have shared the same feeling lately. A sense of dread, loss and grief. A sense that our grandmother is ready to move on from this lifetime. She has been making comments lately that she is ready to go and be with her husband and her body is growing tired. Her fiest and spirit has followed her well into her 80's and I don't hear it anymore. I hear a woman who has made peace with her own passing. To write this is most difficult. I well up with a thousand or more tear drops but something tells me to keep writing.

We (my family) have a job to do. It is our duty to help her along this path. Her journey of life has been fulfilled and we must stand behind her and give her the strength, the love and the courage to find her way home.

In the meantime, there are still many stories to listen to, hugs and laughter to share. We must savour the present because we know the inevitable time will come, when we have to say good bye.

I remember at her 80th birthday party, we went swimming. She was as light as a feather and laughed wholeheartedly when I asked her to let me carry her around the pool. I swished her around in the water like I remember her doing to me when I was a child. The irony of it all.

The cycle of life.

Baby Milkshakes

2007-07-30T20:57:00.001-05:00

My husband was giving me the low-down when I returned home from shopping. He began by saying he and the baby had a great time playing together while I was gone. He then began telling me that he prepared a bottle for the baby but for some reason, it looked extra thick to him today! Before he could finish his sentence, my first-time mother alarm bell began sounding off! In my head, my exacting and methodical nature began screaming out "he must not have used the right proportions!" but my heart also melted at the same time and caught me from saying anything out loud.

I just listened as he continued with this now amusing story, as he arrived at the same conclusion my instincts were telling me. He used too much formula and not enough water. He also went on to say that the baby would not let this particular bottle out of his grip, as he slurped this baby milkshake up in no time!

I am so glad the baby enjoyed this so much and I am even more delighted that I saw the humour in it all!

A Rare Find

2007-07-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

Did this photograph make you look twice?!?

You can imagine what I thought when I found this rare discovery in Southampton last week. This photo doesn't belong to me but it was found on the internet while I searched for any clues that there could be such thing as two-headed turtles. Well, see for yourself now folks! (ahhhhem, dear husband who doubted me. What do you have to say for yourself now!)

After second guessing my vision, I called my father over to verify this. He and I watched closely in awe as both heads popped up above water and looked in separate directions. It was one of the most hilarious things I have seen. At the same time, it horrified me! I can't explain, really. It was something that I just couldn't seem to shake the entire evening. A shiver kept coming over me as I thought of a two-headed turtle in my bed as I tried to go to sleep. I said aloud to my husband, "that really was a turtle with two heads! Can you believe it!!"

Now that my internet search tells me this is a rare finding, I will have to call the Ministy of Natural Resources and tell them to be on the look out for this strange creature in Fairy Lake!

the eleventh month

2007-07-27T05:16:00.001-05:00

I remember my sister saying to me a few years back, once you have a child, your whole life shifts and your outlook changes. You see things from a different perspective and things that normally would build up in your system just won't affect you the same anymore.

Our baby is reaching the eleventh month mark. Yikes! There is something to be said about nearing his first birthday. It really makes me want to cry me a river!

That said. This is what I think right about now.

I have spent enough of my days questioning the true meaning of life. It is here now in the flesh! We have a little miracle of life in our arms, waiting to be nurtured, loved, taught and guided. Our lives are really full. I have to be in this moment with our child. For every minute I may be preoccupied, I miss out. I will not miss out.

My priorities have shifted. I am "in the game". If anything is going to make me take life in a more healthy direction, I have our baby to thank! I have began filtering what matters most. It is a chance to get my butt in motion, clear my headspace, get rid of emotional baggage that is blocking me and be the best person I can be. I love my life. I love our life together!

I could never imagine this baby would impact our lives so beautifully.

The best is yet to be baby boy.

sacred space

2007-07-21T23:21:00.000-05:00

It is nice to know that no matter where I am, I can take my thoughts with me. They are very portable. I do a lot of pondering. Sometimes too much. Let me tell you though that is can be very productive. I am a deep thinker. I can solve problems, set goals, dream, talk myself through it, reminisce, giggle, worry, vent and so much more!

It is a sacred space I call my thoughts.

It doesn't cost me a penny to visit nor does it ever get too crowded. I love escaping to this special place as often as I can.

I urge you to visit your own sacred space more often. People just don't give themselves the time they deserve to search within. To explore fears, apprehensions, dreams, emotions and experiences.

I often give my hubby the "inside scoop" and other times when I appear distracted he tells me, "can you just pay me some mind for a minute there girl".. meaning, take yourself away from your thoughts for a minute and listen to what I have got to say! Okay and I snap out of it and we both laugh!

Wherever you are

2007-07-21T22:53:00.001-05:00

I wonder where you are. If I could tell you how much you changed my life you would be really surprised. I have told my husband about you. He thanks you too!

I was a very vulnerable teenager. I was a challenge to my parents. I was depressed. I was lost. I was on the cusp of rebellion but I didn't have the guts. I just screwed up a lot. I couldn't put a finger on it at the time but something was really missing from my life. Me.

I met you. You were a good, good person. You had your own challenges too but something was different about you. You were stronger, I think. You were one of the most gentle and kind people I have ever met. You were fragile in your own way but you concealed it well. You excelled in most things. A proficient student. A skilled athlete. A volunteer. A friend to many. A lover of animals. A conscientious employee. An acrobat. A leader. A believer. A steadfast young teen with dreams to escape poverty. A son of a mother who was an alcoholic. A son of a father who was absent. A brother of a deceased toddler. A survivor of child abuse. Alone you were.

I didn't know at the time how many odds you had beat already. I didn't know at the time how much I had taken for granted in my own life. I didn't know at the time how lucky I was to have the parents I had. I didn't know at the time how lucky I was to have you in my life. You led me in a different direction. I didn't know at the time how to accept your generosity of heart, your wisdom, your encouragement, your fondness for me. I just didn't know.

Instead, I just mistreated you and let you down like everyone else did in your life.

Your only living relative was your mother. You wanted to pull her out of poverty one day. You wanted to save her. You wanted to make her proud. You did. Only, it was too late for her to be saved. What sadness and tragedy you have experienced.

I am so happy you have found a wife. A mother to your children. A person to love you whole. We were young kids back then but I still remember.

I thank you a hundred times over for believing in me at a time when I didn't believe in myself.

Thank you wherever you are.

the corner store

2007-07-19T21:50:00.000-05:00

If you were lucky enough to live close to a cool corner store, you gained lots of status when I was a kid. For some friends, it wasn't appealing enough to just visit with them- but if they happened to have a great corner store near-by, I was all over it!! I find that concept hilarious but it's so true.

A trip to the "corner store" was such a magical adventure- especially if your grandparents just stopped by and filled your pocket up with lots of spare change.

The one near my grandmother's was a favourite! We'd walk through and listen to the wooden floors creak beneath us as we would make our presence known at the candy counter! "Two bags please," I would say in a polite but firm little voice. I was all business. I'd hand one to my sister and together, we'd compete on how quickly we could fill our bags up with penny candy! I'd run to the cash register and hand her my fifty cents. This got us an overflowing brown paper bag full of the good stuff! We'd even trade once we got down to the bottom and our bellies weren't feeling so selfish.

We'd wave goodbye to the owner and then my sister would stop quickly in her tracks!
"We forgot the kielbasa, dummy!" We'd both run back to the deli counter and order an arm's length of the famous "Beach Road Kielbasa" for our grandparents. The owner would laugh at us as she handed back the taped package and we'd be on our way.

"Clean up in Aisle One please"

2007-07-17T20:17:00.000-05:00

There is a cashier in me that will always remain. The little girl who loved pulling out canned goods from her aunt's fruit cellar while her sister rung them in was so much fun! I remember those days clearly. We'd take turns playing "customer" and "cashier" but we'd usually fight over the "cashier" role. Of course.

Throughout my teen years, I had various cashier jobs and this time, I actually got paid! Sweet! There was something about ringing the items through, taking money and giving back change, bagging the items and waving good-bye! I really enjoyed those transactions. Sounds funny eh?

You have no idea how excited I was to walk into Zehrs a few years back to find the Self Check-outs! It was my chance to get in the cashier role again but this time with my own groceries! My husband would often get fed up and start walking out of the store while I slowly scanned each item and carefully placed it into the bag. He would insist how much quicker it was to go through the regular check-outs but for me, it wasn't about that!

When I began my search for day-care items, guess what I searched for first? A cash register and some "pretend" produce, vegetables and plastic canned goods! I will often beg the kids to let me have my turn at cashier. I will pick up my pretend speaker phone and announce "Attention Shoppers, it is 9:00 and our store is now closing...." The kids laugh. I make my announcements with my very nasal tone and it makes for one very realistic cashier!

My inner child is here to stay and I am certain this will keep me young!

I remember the quiet

2007-07-04T21:51:00.000-05:00

Today I drove down a side street with my windows down and something grabbed my attention quickly. The quiet. There was absolute silence on this street. I pulled the vehicle over and turned off my ignition. I was alone. I was suddenly captivated by the sound of quiet. I have not heard it in some time and I was now savouring it. I closed my eyes and paused a deep breath.

I like the hustle and bustle of my life. It is not chaotic and filled with clutter. It is abundant with life and fairly simple yet there are times when I don't stop to pause when I need to.

On a random Wednesday evening, there I was. I remembered the quiet.

June 14, 1969

2007-06-20T18:58:00.000-05:00

I am not one for remembering people's anniversaries. I have trouble enough remembering birthdays as it is. There is on anniversary that I never forget though. It is permanently embedded in my psyche. June 14, 1969. This is the date that my parents Sam and Donna were married. This year would have marked their 38th wedding anniversary. That is a very long time.

My experience as a kid from divorce has been bittersweet. I am happy that my parents have both found love and compatibility in their lives with other partners now. As an adult, I can understand why things didn't work out between them. They have been separated for so many years now that things have shifted and new roles and dynamics have been defined.

The inner child in me never yearned for them to reunite. I just longed for them to get along and like eachother again. I am so happy to say that my parents have given my sister and I the greatest gift. They are friends again and that has given me so much peace.

Sam and Donna grew up together and their relationship begun at a very young age. They married when they were 19 years old!! They enjoyed many, many years with a wonderful group of friends and they were a very sociable couple- going to parties, dances, barbeques and trips. Carrie and I grew up with lots of people around us, much laughter and love.

I feel sad that we all had to experience the pain and loss of our family unit but time heals all things.

There is some kind of comfort knowing my parents share such a long history together as adolescents, young adults and now grandparents. I can always count on them sharing funny stories of days gone by that they shared together.

They gave us life. They give us love. Thank you my dear parents. So every year, when this day arrives, I still kind of celebrate them and whisper Happy Anniversary to myself.

daddy

2007-06-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

I stepped back from packing the car up because something caught my attention. It was a beautiful glimpse of a daddy and baby boy sitting under an umbrella on our favourite beach, the sun starting to set, the breeze catching their hair. A perfect glimpse into the simplicity and genuine love they have for one another. This father and son. My husband is trying to feed our baby his bottle before we embark on a long journey home. All of a sudden, his shoulders begin to bounce up and down as he laughs at the antics of our baby whose latest fascination is to chew with his new teeth on the bottle's nipple and then spit out the milk that happens to get in the way of his fun!

This year has really been quite an eye opener. Despite the understandable "back burner" our relationship has had to take since the birth of our son, we continue to refine our relationship as parents and partners to eachother. It hasn't all been rosey. How much fun would life really be if it were all smooth sailing? You have to be able to experience difficulties, frustrations and growth in order to fully appreciate progress and evolution.

My husband once told me he didn't envision his life with children in it because he had thought it was too late for him, being 40 and all. Big deal. Now when I revisit that statement with him, he smiles and laughs at where our paths have taken us. We both cannot fathom what we would be without this baby. People change. People grow. People challenge their fears and suddenly realize, life really is wonderful if you let it be so.

I love this baby's Daddy. He makes my cheeks hurt sometimes because I can't smile enough when I am in his presence.

courageous words of profanity

2007-05-23T08:28:00.000-05:00

There is a rebellious teenager inside me that wants to shout out obscenities in my writing! I want to voice all of the frustration or hurt I have felt but more so, I just want to use my creativity in a different voice sometimes. Not all of this tactful, respectful and censored thinking. Don't get me wrong, my writing comes naturally for the most part. Once in a while though, I come across some powerfully moving stuff from other writers that have profanity painted all over their walls and it stuns me and moves me completely. It hits me right in the gut and I get their message instantly. No questions asked. No underlying meaning. Just staring me in the face in their bold print.

I applaud these kind of writers. They are brave and courageous. We can't always see things in a positive light. This is not reality. I don't think I will ever be brave enough in this regard. I will just continue shouting into a pillow when need be.

We all need an outlet sometimes.

all things tangible

2007-05-23T08:13:00.001-05:00

Why must we account for all our moments spent? They are all meaningful. Why must we feel less of a human being if we have not a degree or a blackberry in our possession? Why must we feel less of a mother if we have not signed our kids up for every possible team you could imagine? Why must we feel less of a friend if we have cannot buy lavish gifts or restaurant outings? Why must we feel less of a partner if the house is not kept up, dinners are not planned well in advance or romantic gestures are put on the back burner sometimes?

I have spoken to various women in my life about their sense of purpose and their outlook on their own life signature. Most feel they are scrambling to find meaning and others feel there is something missing but just can't figure out what that is.

Things are measured by all things tangible. That is, what do you have to show for your time or your money?

Most of us seldom realize if we removed that from the equation, our hearts would feel more at ease. Our sense of selves would feel more sturdy. Think of all the things you can fit into your day? We often spend time doing things under the surface. We try to think of ways to celebrate people we love, we try to be better people (which in itself is VERY time consuming) and we try to do for others often. This is not a martyr approach but it is reality if you are anything close to being a woman. It is in all of us whether we are mothers to children or not.

I may pick up a hobby along the way but it will always have to be the activity that comes after everything else.

I will still feel that in the end, I have spent my time well.

Welcome to the Block!

2007-05-08T21:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a warm summer-like evening. We opened all the windows and I began to read a book in bed because it was far too early to sleep, I thought. My eyes began getting drowsy and I was losing interest in this novel. To my delight, I jumped up out of bed and ran to the window! It was literally, music to my ears. The sound of a guitar playing and a male voice leading the song with little girls singing their hearts out with him! I knew it had to be the neighbours across the street. I have shared a few brief conversations with them before. I have been intrigued by them since we moved in. My husband and I often find amusement watching the two little girls creating their own adventures in the front yard. They are often seen pulling their puppies on leashes, hanging from the trees, chasing each other up and down the street and giggling as much as they can. It really is something wonderful. I can't tell you what the sound of children's laughter does for me. It assures me that those kids are getting exactly what they need.... a carefree childhood that is busy with activity and their imaginations!

I began putting my shoes on and my husband wondered where I was going. As I called back to him, I told him I was going to join the party! He laughed. He knows me too well. Where there is activity and excitement, Laura is there!

I now stood on their porch and tried not to interrupt their song. They wrapped up and I gave them a round of applause! I explained how much I enjoyed hearing them singing from across the street, that I just had to get a front row seat for at least one more song. Without hesitation, they smiled and began performing like they were on stage. The oldest girl holding a pretend microphone while the youngest sat on a bar-like stool. The father (Keith) who is a local musician told me he tries to treat everyday around their place like it's the weekend. What a wonderful outlook! He was sipping on wine, the tealight candles added a special ambiance to their patio while the girls stood around in their PJ's.

I didn't want to overstay my welcome but I was officially welcomed to the block and told to come back soon to one of their backyard concerts! These are the type of people we love to have as neighbours, I thought.

Wonderful Wednesdays

2007-04-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

This week I am choosing to celebrate my niece Alex on this wonderful Wednesday since we share a birthday! Happy Birthday to my one and only.. Alexandra Nicole!!!

Top ten reasons I love her so much:

She is an old soul. Her level of understanding far surpasses that of an eleven year old.
Her eyes sparkle with mischief and with loyalty.
She makes me feel good about being a girl.
She is sensitive by nature and has a heart of gold.
She giggles often and its contagious.
She is honest with her feelings and forthright with her emotions.
She loves her brother and doesn't hide it.
She loves pizza and getting her back rubbed, just like her auntie.
We have an understanding. We "get" eachother.
When I look into her eyes, I see my childhood all over again.

Birthday Baby

2007-04-25T23:41:00.000-05:00

"The Journey Of Life Begins With A Single Step"

I am a woman of 34 years who hasn't learned to tie her shoes right yet.

I wonder how many miles I have walked in this life so far?

Ella Fitzgerald shares a birthday with me.

I always wanted to be a talented jazz singer!

I am a happy girl.

Life is the most ridiculously wonderful event

I could ever ask for.

a friend of a ladybug

2007-04-23T20:13:00.000-05:00

Ladybugs make me so happy. Not sure why. I like their name for starters but the beautiful patterns on their backs are so artistic. They look so friendly. Most people are afraid of bugs but I have never heard of anyone being afraid of a lady bug. Although they are a member of the beetle family, they are too "ladylike" to be taken for granted really.

I remember sitting at my window in the early spring of 1997. I was feeling a little bit down. I was smoking out the window, as I recall. I didn't do this often. I was also listening to the gentle rain and the cool air felt good blowing through the window. All of a sudden, there appeared a lady bug on my finger out of no-where. Odd, I thought. I started to talk to this little critter of a lady and she walked all the way up my arm before I gently let her off onto the window sill. I said good-bye and off she went.

HAPPY EARTH DAY

2007-04-21T16:07:00.000-05:00

Like Valentine's, I don't need a day to be showered with gifts from my loved one. I am abundant with gifts of his love all year through. Earth Day should be a mind-set and a lifestyle... not a day! I guess it's a start. Okay, I know I am beginning to sound pessimistic but I am passionate about alot of things.

I will do my share and contribute to a cleaner earth. It is our gift we should cherish. On our fridge sits a check list of ideas to make your home more environmentally friendly. We have checked off a lot of these recommendations but we still have a ways to go. I am committed to this process and I will do what I can to instill this in our precious son. We all have to be caretakers of this glorious garden we call earth.

Imagination Street

2007-04-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

On my street, the houses are small and tidy. They are not enormous because people just build homes that are adequate and cozy abodes. They are filled with laughter and light heartedness. The comforting aroma of fresh bread baking in the oven. The windows are open and there are no screens. There is no west nile to worry about or intruders. There are no locks on our doors and visitors are always welcome. The birds are singing. There are beautifully landscaped gardens filled with wildflowers and bird baths. There are no pesticides. All you can smell is fresh earth and dew worms. Your vegetable garden is plentiful and abundant with colourful produce. You pick your own fixings for a delicious salad you are preparing for the evening meal. Your kids can pick fresh fruit from your fruit trees in your backyard for their afternoon snack. They don't whine because they have never heard of fruit roll-ups or McCain luncheables. You know all the neighbours on the street. You sometimes join them for Sunday dinner. Your children perform an after-dinner skit of dancing and singing or Johnny plays the piano for his small audience. Your children skip down the street and go on their own little adventures to the park, building forts and selling lemonade on the corner. You don't have to watch their every move because it is safe. No predators to worry about. The ponds and lakes are safe to swim in all summer long. No threat of E-coli or a high bacteria count in the water. The UV rays are minimal and the summer high is 25degrees celsius. There are no smog alerts.

Down my street, there is a centre core. It is filled with indepedent merchants. A seamstress, a locksmith, a barber, a pharmacy, a confectionary store, a toy store and a florist. There are quality products lining the shelves but the food labels are easy to read. The ingredients are natural and safe. There aren't too many choices to confuse you. The selection is simple. The prices are affordable. The customer service is respectful and courteous. You walk down the street and don't try to conceal your wallet. You make eye contact with the people who pass you and you hold doors open for them. If you drop a parcel, someone will help you pick it up. The worst kind of violence you may see is a couple of boys shoving eachother and putting up "their dukes" but someone intervenes and breaks it up. They eventually shake hands and dust themselves off. There is no colour, gender or class discrimination. Everyone on my street earns an honest and similar wage. There is no such thing as two income families and 2-3 vehicles per household because there was no need. If you were going anywhere, you would be taking your family with you.

In reality, all we can do is try to live our best life.

Hello Mr. Moon

2007-04-15T10:48:00.000-05:00

A tender moment in our household. The baby awoke in the middle of the night which is a fairly regular occurrence and so I brought him into the family bed in hopes he might settle again. I looked at the clock. 4am.

As he squirmed between us, he looked amazingly alert for this hour. He began staring off at the window and shouting in baby talk. He usually does this to his stuffed animals every now and then like he's having a conversation with them. I wondered what the heck had him so amused?

I turned to see Mr. Moon in our window. The baby had discovered big old Mr. Moon and I guess he was greeting him. Their conversation went on for a few minutes and then he was off to sleep again.

Too precious.

I did it!!

2007-04-13T10:25:00.000-05:00

I finally thought one of my writing pieces was good enough to try to get published! We shall see. I won't say anymore because I have already made peace with the fact that it sometimes takes years for this to happen, according to my "editing mentor". She has had several short stories published in magazines and now the Chicken Soup series. How great for her!!!

Anyway, I threw my hands up into the universe, along with my short story and let's see what happens.

For now, I will just keep writing and keep my fingers crossed!!

The Lengs

2007-04-12T19:52:00.000-05:00

I have known the Leng family for ten years now. Bill and Millie raised two daughters in a small town. They raised them well. These two girls are very dear friends of mine- BJ and Kelly. I have never really had friends who were from a small town... most of my friends are "city girls". Their parents treated me like I was part of the family.

I was always invited for "lunch" and there was something so endearing about that. We'd sit together in the middle of the afternoon and Millie would bring out traditional lunch fare. A relish tray, a potato or macaroni salad, sandwich fixings and sweets. Other times we'd have barbeques or "appetizer afternoons". We'd sit and gab, laugh and giggle at Millie's calendar on the fridge. She had everyone's birthday written down- from cousins, to neighbours, to church friends. She would also use the calendar to mark important things like who visited, the weather, different local events coming up like church bazaars, etc.

We'd play boardgames or sit under a tree in the backyard shade and play with Rosco, their beloved dog. We'd go to Canada Day parades and have picnics at the park. At Christmas time, I was invited a few times to attend their family Christmas celebration at a local community hall. They'd have a potluck and play cards, while the children ran around and played. Millie also loves to decorate the tree at Christmas time. I would ask if I could help out with setting up the Christmas village and it was always a special treat. We'd even go to see the big seasonal lights display in another town.

I will never forget those times at the Leng house. Though we don't see one another nearly as much, I owe that family so much. They showed me there was a different way to live. Simple was good and it made me feel so warm and loved.

This is the way a family should be.

wonderful wednesdays

2007-04-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

Wednesday is my day of reflection. Today, I thought about what things give me comfort.

Here's my top ten:

A hot bubble bath: Nothing beats this! Bubbles and hot, steaming water. Though I never have enjoyed reading in the bath (I know people that do), it is my time to daydream which is one my favourite things to do! I also like to sing my heart out like the lounge singer I have always wanted to be and make my lyrics up as I go! Most times the words don't even make sense but who's listening anyway? I also like to close my eyes and dunk my head under the water and just be. I crank the furnace up so I am toasty when I get out because that is the hardest part!
A cozy blanket: I now have a favourite blankie. It is from LaSenza (who knew they had chenille blankets- thanks Helga!) It is so comforting to wrap myself in it on a cold day and watch a movie or my favourite soap, or with a good book, or when I take a nap with the baby or whenever I just want to feel surrounded by something very warm and soothing. I have even shed a few tears in it and it really helped. It is the kind of feeling you get when you are wrapped in your mother's arms... and she doesn't have to say a word.
Chocolate: I know this can't be something I rely on too much. Just today I discussed in great detail my shared love for chocolate with my friend Denine. We both fell in love with it years ago! It's the only thing you can put in your mouth and you instantly feel like you are ooozing with comfort and it takes you to a different place.
Cookies baking in the oven: The aroma alone is just enough to remind me of "home". Enough said.
Hugs from my husband: There is something to be said about his arms. I remember when we were just friends and he offered me a hug when I was really stressed out. It made me weak in the knees, let me tell you. His hugs are firm, genuine and safe.
A call from Mom or Dad: Both of them have such soothing voices when need be. I don't care how old I get, it will be something I will never be too proud to receive! They offer me the perfect blend. My mom gives me really good advice and she often talks alot. She usually gets pretty emotional and will usually shed as many tears as I do. She is in that moment with me- completely. My dad is usually the more silent type. He will talk really soft, ask a few questions and spends more time just listening. His steady voice and unwavering disposition gives me quick reasoning abilities and mental clarity. He cries too sometimes but usually keeps it together for me and offers me solutions.
Baby time: I am learning that babies can be so therapeutic. Just being in their presence offers you a constant glimpse at what the closest thing to perfection can be- their innocence, their new skin, their flawless disposition, their unconditional love. All you have to do is love a baby and they think the world of you.
Old Photographs: My grandmother is amused by my love for old photos. I constantly pull out her albums when I visit and look at each picture over and over. They are so revealing with emotions, memories, family dynamics, personalities and history. Of what was then that cannot be erased by time.
Nature: All I have to do is look to the sky, the sun, the clouds. Breathe the air, listen to a bird's song, smell the earth and listen to the trees rustle in the wind.
A good belly laugh: There is humour in everything, even when you are feeling sad. I look around and think of the endless possibilities of humour and find it often. Sometimes my husband won't get this. "How could you be in the depths of despair and then suddenly start busting a gut with laughter!" I don't even bother explaining. You just have to be me! If you can't laugh at yourself, you have nothing.

My short published piece!

2007-04-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

Mapquest-- The Journey of Life

The internet is an endless resource for consumers. Everything from searching for love to searching for a vast supply of products and everything in between.

Mapquest is a website that acts as your on-line compass around the world. You name a destination and with a click of the mouse, you get directions!

I wonder if such a thing will exist where you can "map quest your life's path" and get directions to it one day! That will save a lot of unnecessary travel expenses, gasoline and heart-aches for people. Hey- it may even protect the ozone layer if we keep our travels to a minimum! I'm all for that!

I often contemplate life and feel I have navigated myself through some pretty interesting terrain. I find it fascinating that there are so many twists and turns in a life-time that nothing can truly be "mapped out". There are so many variables. Our daily choices combined with plain old circumstances can make for one winding, bumpy and exhilarating journey.

Think of all the short-cuts and detours you have taken. You thought you were onto something wonderful and then the brakes went on and you made a left turn instead of a right. I wonder how things would have turned out for you if you just stayed to the right? I wonder if you hadn't come across this person and that person along the way what that would have meant for you in the long run?

Life is so mysterious to me. Predictability makes people feel safe. Maps and directions make people feel in control because it is in writing, I suppose.

I believe our most reliable compass is our gut and even that is subject to change.

the kitchen table

2007-04-08T22:32:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I enjoyed sitting at my mother-in-law's kitchen table. It is a simple pleasure I get when I visit her small town. It gives me a "small town feel" and so much comfort. While my sister-in-law Jan hopped around from counter to counter, I watched her in awe. She always takes great pride in preparing delicious meals on holidays and all year through. She is a great cook and a "domesticated diva"- really. If she were to live closer, I think my husband would be at her place all the time tasting her pies, jams, baked goods and spaghettti sauce. I am certain of this.

Family time has been lost in many households across the world. I think the kitchen table is what keeps family's together. It is where stories are told, laughter is shared, comfort is given and nourishment is received.

The Shady Tree

2007-04-07T20:08:00.000-05:00

Think of all of the wonderful things you can do under a shady tree. It is the perfect prop for so many things. You can sleep, have a picnic, read a great book, gaze into someone's eyes or just lay back and look up at all of the lush leaves and daydream about something special.

When you pay attention to nature and its progression through the seasons (like I do now) you watch things grow and blossom and then fade away and die. I know that November is difficult for me for this very reason. I feel loss as the trees loose their leaves and stand bare for the cold winter ahead. They must feel lonely, cold, unattractive and abandoned. Okay, I am giving the trees humanistic traits that they don't have, but this is how I would feel if I were a tree.

I am deeply affected by nature and its powerful healing properties. If you surround yourself in nature, love nature and respect nature, it will do so much for you.

Though there are no leaves on the branches outside our home, I anxiously await them to lovingly fill the trees with their beauty.

Enjoy this picture taken outside my work at the retreat centre. It was a perfect autumn day!

wonderful wednesdays

2007-04-04T13:53:00.000-05:00

I got this theme idea from a friend who writes lists on Tuesdays... ahemmmhemmm.. Laurel!
I will go with wonderful wednesdays and choose random lists of wonderful things!

10 wonderful reasons why I love my husband:

he flosses his teeth every day!!!

he calls his mother everyday to check in on her (she is 82)

he likes routines and is methodical in nature.

unlike my "what you see is what you get" approach, he reserves a huge part of himself just for me. I get to see all of the wonderful layers of qualities that reside in him.

he can imitate all kinds of voices and famous lines from classic movies to a tee.

he is a "one take" kind of guy- doesn't usually have to re-do things because he does it right the first time.

he is mysterious and just when I think I "get him", he surprises me!

he marvels at his blessings out loud and often.

he has a good core; avoids gossip and keeps his opinions to himself.

he has an appreciation for fine art, cuisine and all things beautiful. Did I mention he hates sports- aside from baseball! YES!!!! I love this about him!

my last ten

2007-04-03T12:25:00.000-05:00

Throughout my life, I have come into hard times. Fortunately, I was blessed with different opportunities and a hint of resourcefulness which would see me through. Times were especially tough when I decided I could "make it on my own" at 17.

I remember being given pieces of furniture from various sources which amounted to one very colourful apartment. An orange and brown couch, a black spray painted table and chairs set, mixed end tables and a mattress on the floor as my bedroom suite. Hey- this is not a pity party here. It is fact. I chose this life. I lived it. I managed to turn out okay. I lived on $450 each month and my rent was $350. I had $100 to pay for groceries and everything else. I did it though!! I didn't starve either. I was very good with my money. I stretched it far. I continued to finish my high school education and work part-time at Beaver Lumber.

Through the years, after college, my income increased. I became somewhat of an over-indulger in that I had gone without stuff for so long that I often bought way too many toiletries, perfumes and home decor that I didn't have the room for it all! I used to give it away to those who were in similar situations I had been in. I was "paying it forward" in some respects- giving to those who were in need just like I was.

I remember my sister saying "Don't count on money that you don't have." It was good advice. I used to buy furniture or at least pick it out long before my income tax return would be completed. This habit only lasted so long before it blew up in my face and I had outstanding purchases but no income tax credit that year. I also stopped stretching my dollars like I used to and I took for granted that I suddenly had money in my pocket.

One year, my contract never got renewed at work. We had lost some funding. I was not only devastated, I was out of a job. Hence, no savings to count on. Nothing. I took on three jobs and times were tough again.

On one desperate day, I was sitting at the gas station filling up. I was handed the change- my last ten and went to put it in my wallet. It fell through the crack of my window and down into the door. I began to sweat. I raced home and got a screw driver out and tried to take the door apart. I had no money left. To no avail, the door would not come apart. I had to borrow money instead.

Years would pass and I forgot about that day. It came time to sell my jeep and I took one last look and remembered the door! I was determined this time to get that money in the door as a souvenir and as a reminder to be wise with my money.

Last year when we bought our first house, I brought out my "last ten" and shared the story with my husband. I was almost tempted to display it in the front hall but it is very worn and weathered looking. Instead, I hung up an engraved stone that says "BELIEVE".

My husband often remarks that when we are looking through the fridge for something to eat, that we always have this many options to choose from. We remain humble people who try not to ever take anything for granted.

the cottage

2007-03-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

Every year, we would go on a summer vacation to "the cottage". Our long, or though it seemed, 45 minute journey to Lake Erie was an adventure in itself. Our family probably influenced the local policy on seatbelt legislation because at that time it was merely "recommended". We pushed the envelope on many occasions! Auntie Barb had an old classic '63 Pontiac. It was royal blue, loaded with chrome, electric windows and a very big steering wheel. We all felt like royalty driving in that machine, which comfortably fit three adults in the front seat with the twins on their laps and six other bratty kids in the back- with the promise of a good old fashioned fight over the window seats! I wasn't a lap kid. Although I was one of the youngest, I was big for my age and usually had Susie sitting on my knee. We'd share secrets along the way. One unfortunate day, Susie (who wasn't on my knee for this particular trip) managed to get dragged by the car as she held on for dear life. After much commotion, we pulled her back to safety and continued on our way after Auntie Barb inspected her knee.

We'd arrive at the cottage which was at the end of the gravel lane. It wasn't huge but it was perfect for all of us. The cottage backed onto a big, scary corn field. This was the perfect setting for ghostly tales at the campfire. We believed there lived a native tribe in the centre of that corn field and we were sure we heard them drumming at night, as they performed their own campfire "rituals".

Bed-time was a favourite. We'd usually line up (3 to a bed) and tickle eachother's backs and then rotate while someone in the room narrated a ghost story sending shivers down our spines, then into the blankets we'd go, peeking out every so often to see the moonlight shining through the window. Aside from the odd prank, we usually slept well because we knew what tomorrow would bring- the beach! We needed all the rest we could get!

Morning would come and we'd be off to the beach as soon as we gobbled down cereal and juice. Sometimes we'd even have pancakes! Usually we would proclaim our independence by riding our bikes to the beach. Only the select few got to ride in Auntie Barb's car with all of the adults and beach gear piled high. Towels, sand buckets, first aid kit, snacks and a cooler.

Auntie Barb and Uncle Joe always housed a vast collection of bicycles- mostly older ones that weren't very cool but each year, they added new ones to the collection. Sparkly, banana seat bikes and some even had baskets on them. I remember falling in love with a purple one and a black five speed. The rules were that we never rode with no hands, we were mindful of the on-coming traffic, we used our hand signals but most of all, we had to take turns on the "cool" bikes.

My day came! It was my turn on the cool, black, sleek looking five speed! I got so excited, I lost sight of all of the rules and just peddled away to my own drum. There I was showing off to the car that slowly passed as I waved and continued riding with no hands, grinning from ear to ear. The brake lights of the car suddenly went bright red. The car came to a halt! There was Auntie Barb getting out of the car with her hands on her hips. She meant business. It suddenly dawned on me what I had done. I plead no contest, turned the bike around and headed back to the cottage. My cycling privileges were suspended for the day and I would have to wait days now before it was my turn to ride that favourite bicycle again. I blew it!

There was never a dull moment at the cottage. I felt so lucky to have all of these cousins to play with! We had enough kids to have one very competitive baseball game almost every night. It would usually get pretty heated when Carrie Ann or Robbie were losing. They were sore losers! I think one day a baseball went through a bedroom window if I am not mistaken. We'd also play bocci ball, badminton, hide and seek and board games. In the evenings, we'd watch our favourite movies like "Grease" or we'd entertain the adults with our own musical performances. Poor Robbie- the only boy out of 8 of us! He put up with so much of our "sissiness".

Although rainy days meant we couldn't go to the beach, they still had their special moments. I loved sitting on the sun porch playing monopoly, colouring, telling stories, braiding eachother's hair, listening to the rain falling on the roof and the smell of Auntie Barb's sauce simmering on the stove.

We always ate very well too! Auntie Barb, Auntie Jen and Mom would sit at the kitchen table having "adult talk" as they made dozens upon dozens of home-made meatballs. We'd sit as a very large family on the sun porch and eat a delicious meal together at the end of our day and share much laughter. I cannot imagine how much work it must have been for those women who loved us enough to give us this summer holiday with eachother. I never remember them relaxing like we did. They always seemed to be cleaning, cooking or supervising us as we played.

Uncle Joe would make small appearances to fix and repair this and that or to bring up more supplies. He didn't say very much but his presence was enough. We respected him and knew better not to misbehave! I often wondered "where did he go" as he drove off and I even felt bad that there wasn't enough room for him to sleep in his own bed. I am sure he was happy to leave the chaos! I don't think we thanked them enough, he and Auntie Barb. They never expected anything in return. Auntie Barb was the activity coordinator, the referee, the disciplinary, the first aid personnel, the cook, the lifeguard, the cheerleader, the kid at heart. She was always fair. Though she could play hard ball when required, it was always for good reason- whether for safety reasons or just plain old justice for the underdog. She taught us good lessons and we took them with us into adulthood. Except for Carrie Ann- she still refuses to pay for ice-cream!

The winding road home was always bittersweet. We'd sit silently and wave good-bye to our favourite beach until next year.

amateur photography

2007-03-29T18:03:00.000-05:00

I am an amateur but I was quite pleased with these! It helps when you have a cute subject.

happy feet

2007-03-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

These beautifully shaped, pink feet belong to our baby. We call them happy feet because they look so friendly, just like him.

These feet are 6 months and three weeks new. There are no signs of wear and tear yet. We have some high hopes for these feet.

Dear happy feet,

We hope you will take care of yourself. Get lots of pedicures and wear good quality shoes.

We hope you will be kept clean and not stinky for the most part as you grow.

For now, jumping in mud puddles and walks in the sand will be good for you but don't walk on glass like I did many times as a youngster.

We hope you will keep yourselves planted on the ground while you reach for the stars!

We hope you will walk thousands of miles in this life and find what you are looking for.

We hope you will run as fast as you can when you see something you like! Go for it!

We hope you will take your time as you walk through rose gardens, nature trails and sandy beaches.

Your happy feet will be rewarded if you use them wisely and well.

saying good-bye

2007-03-29T10:02:00.000-05:00

I have avoided this topic for long enough. I have put it off in my thoughts, dreams and discussions with others. The loss of my beloved pets. I have buried the hurt, the guilt and the pain of losing you. Today, I felt ready to face my feelings openly and honestly. I finally looked at a picture of the two of you and it was very hard. My heart ached for you.

I have heard it's helpful to write a letter to those you have lost, in order to find closure and say good-bye. Here goes.

Dear Barney,

You were my first child. You came to me in 1992 for what was supposed to be a weekend. I was pet-sitting you. Your name was Mineau at the time and you belonged to my dear friend Leah. She asked if I wanted to keep you and I shouted "YES!" I quickly changed your name because you were a boy and you were born in a barn. How clever. You were the only kitten in the litter to survive. I felt so lucky.

I used to put you on a leash and take you for walks. I would take you outside my apartment building for picnics and we'd sit on the grass. I thought you would enjoy the fresh air. Instead, you would crawl into my shirt and sleep while I read a magazine. We used to play hide and seek and you'd run down the hall and hide in the closet. When I found you, you'd pounce out and meow- like "there, you found me!"

We moved alot in the beginning. It seemed the more I moved, the less material things mattered to me. I left alot behind. As long as I had you and my photos, I knew I would be fine. I would reassure you along the way to our new home saying "Don't worry Barney, we're on the road again and it's going to be okay because we have eachother."

In 1996, I introduced to a hyper but loving dog, Sable. You were annoyed with her at first but you grew to really love her. You soon became fast friends. One day I came home to find an exhausted mouse in between the two of you. From what I could gather, you must have been playing "toss de mousey" all day long. We finally let him go!

I wish our time together could have been longer but you grew tired and old and it was time to say good-bye.

Dear Sable,

I first laid eyes on you in 1996 and your name was Pewee. How pitiful. You were mal-nourished and emotionally fragile. You were born on a farm and being mis-treated. You were often left to your own devices, scavenging for food and shelter. The first day I brought you home, you ran away! You didn't know where to place yourself. You were so insecure and unsure of my intentions. I went looking for you and found you at the animal shelter. I think you were happy to see me and I won your trust. We started off on the right foot after that day. I brought you home and you spotted my cat. You tried to eat him. I promised you that you would never have to hunt for food again and gave you a big bowl of dog food. Before long, I could trust you with Barney. You grew healthy and strong. You now suited the name Sable. You were lean, beautiful and sleek. Though your new found confidence turned you into an Alpha dog, you always remained tender and sweet. You'd comfort me when I was feeling down, you'd turn into a lap dog when I needed you to. I felt I had my very own family with the two of you.

The day came when I had to let you go. I couldn't take you with me to a smaller apartment. I was so devastated but thankful I found someone who loved you like I did. Chris took you for the last couple years of your life. Though your passing was sudden and tragic, I am at peace knowing you spent your last days on this earth running free in fields, knowing you were loved. I don't know if I will ever be able to own a pet again because the loss seems so unbearable at times.

Rest in peace my furry children.

taking time to stop and smell the tulips

2007-03-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

As spring fast approaches, I am reminded of an adorable little boy who didn't need prompting to stop and smell the tulips in his very own garden. My Justy Boy. He was so little back then but I am glad he hasn't forgotten to stop and enjoy the simple things.

Time really does go by quickly and in the midst of it all, you capture some of the most precious moments with family. As his Auntie, I stand back in awe of what a little gentleman he has become. He has always had eyes for his Momma but he even offers me some attention every now and then. He has grown into a smart and fun-loving little man. Often times when visiting, Justy will greet me with his "big baby blues" and bright smile and say in the sweetest voice "Hi Auntie", as he wraps his arms around my waist and gives me a hug. I love to smother his face with kisses and despite all of his coolness, he still lets his Auntie love him up.

I love when he is excited, you can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. There is no holding back! He loves to hear stories (especially funny ones) over and over until his belly aches. As he grows up, I have to keep some "cool" stuff in reserve because I fear he will grow bored of me. Then just when I least expect it, I make him laugh his head off again and I walk away delighted! He told me he wanted to learn how to "beat box" and I don't think he knew I had a clue what he was talking about until I burst out with my very own beat box beat- it was pretty good, if I don't say so myself. His expression was priceless! I don't think he could believe his ears! His auntie actually knew how to beat box and she was pretty good! He kept asking me to do it again, do it again! I humoured him all the way out to the car where his mom awaited! We busted out into one big belly laugh and waved goodbye. That is the toughest part. The goodbyes. I miss them so much when we have to go home!

I wonder what Justy will be when he grows up? I wonder who will steal his heart? I wonder what he will think about his sister when he's in his 20's? I wonder......

my favourite things to say as a kid

2007-03-22T07:45:00.000-05:00

Hey- I didn't say they were nice. However, I used them sparingly and with just cause (most times). Please note: at least none of these were racial or prejudiced in any way. I was taught never to use such content at a very young age. Thanks Dad!

Leave me alone. My Dad owns the street. My Dad's the mayor.
Sike!
Shut up, you stooge (as in 3 stooges)
Come here you little bugger (to my dog who I loved)
Fine then, see if I give a care!
You're not my best friend.
Like, gag me with a spoon.
I'm not allowed to lend (when I didn't feel like sharing)
My sister will beat you up.
That's totally gnarly.

the writing on the wall

2007-03-21T08:20:00.000-05:00

I took my sister home for her 35th Birthday. It was one of the the most powerful experiences in my life (so far). You see, I wanted to return to our favourite childhood home. I wrote to the owners (who, to my surprise were the ones who bought the house from us in the 80's). They remembered us for more reasons than one. You see, the owner explained that we left a big piece of us when we moved away and the writing on the wall remained after all these years! I couldn't believe it.

My father began renovating the bathroom just before they separated. My mother allowed us to use it as a mural because it would "eventually" get covered with new dry wall. The job never got done! We moved and left the bathroom in this condition and the new owners were going to finish the job.... only they left it for 20 years!!!

Carrie and I used it as a canvass for self expression. We used to write poems on it, names of our favourite bands, our favourite boyfriends and we'd also get our friends to sign the wall! It was covered in people's signatures!

For whatever reason, the new owners learned to live with this unsightly mess and they grew fond of it. Never did I expect that this wall would still exist when we returned to our childhood home. The new owner explained that though they loved the wall, I called at the right time because they would finally be covering the wall within a month. Talk about fate. That wall needed to be seen by us again. It represented so much to my sister and I. Our identity, our past, our wonderful adolescent years; our growth, our loss.

So there we were. We drove up on a lovely October afternoon in 2004. Over twenty years later. I blind-folded Carrie and told her I had a surprise! We walked up the stairs and into the bathroom. Off came the blind-fold and there we stood in front of this wall. Carrie looked at me in disbelief. It was the most exhilarating experience. I could hear our hearts pounding out of our chests. It felt like we had transcended back into time together.

We were home again.

the winding road home

2007-03-20T07:50:00.000-05:00

One thing I miss about living in a small town was the winding road home.

The drive home was a chance for me to pay attention to my surroundings, clear my mind, reflect and watch the seasons change before my eyes. On one particularly beautiful spring day, I met a new friend. To my right, there was a barn and some cattle. In front of the barn was one lonely minature pony. I called him Charlie. I would look out for Charlie everyday and wave to him. He would be grazing or trotting in a small circle every time I drove by. I finally told my husband about him and he began looking out for him too on his way to work. Despite all of his cuteness, Charlie looked really lonely. He was put on a long leash out in front of this barn and he would sometimes look up at the cars passing him on the country highway. I made sure he knew I noticed him! I promised him out loud that one day I would stop along my way to work to make a formal introduction.

One day, I noticed Charlie was gone. His leash was wrapped around the fence. I imagined the worse. I went home and cried to my husband. "Charlie is gone", I said. "I will never be able to pet him like I promised." My husband tried to reason with me and said there could be lots of reasons why he wasn't there. He could be warming up inside. I didn't believe him. For days, we both were on the look-out for Charlie. Nothing. No sign of him. I gave up hope. We both did, I think.

I finally trained myself not to look at the farm when I drove by because it only made me sad. Until one day, my husband came home and announced "Charlie's back!" I was so excited! We had to take a drive to see him. This time I got the chance to stop and say hello, in person.

As soon as we drove up, Charlie walked over to me at the fence. Call me silly but we were fast friends and I think he recognized me. He had an odd expression for an animal. There was a familiarity there. Perhaps we were friends in a past life or something. I kissed him and talked to him for a long, long time. We fed him lots of long grass and he even showed off for us and began trotting around like a "show pony". I think he liked the attention. I told him we were so happy he was back.

For another season, I got to enjoy Charlie. It was fall and the leaves were now turning. I would stop and pet him and talk to him about my day. He became a very good friend to me. I would sometimes beep my horn as I drove by when I was running late and couldn't stop to say hello. I never once saw anyone pay any attention to Charlie. Not his owners, not anyone else driving by.

I lost sight of him again come winter and he never re-appeared this time. I prepared myself for that possibility. I am still sad when I think about him but so glad we got to know eachother a little bit.

the shape of a mother

2007-03-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

I stand in the mirror. It is not so uncomfortable afterall. Took a good long look at myself. Though the image is not perfect and hasn't been for many years, something looks different.

I turn to the left and turn to the right. Long pause. I admire this and that. I have strong hopes of becoming physically fit but I am still strong. My husband tells me almost everyday that I am beautiful. I know he means it. He is a man that goes without saying things unless they are sincere. There is something comforting in knowing that even when I don't feel very good in my own skin sometimes, I still have one person in this world that thinks I look "like a greek statue"- his words.

I smile in the mirror at this shape of a mother. I shall embrace it.

encounters

2007-03-18T13:45:00.000-05:00

She stared at the man standing at the phone booth. She looked closer and recognized him. His posture, hair, stature and voice were all familiar. He turned around and caught her glance. Big smile. His laugh lines were even more endearing.

They walk and talk and enjoy a spontaneous light lunch in Jackson Square. Get caught up. He asks for money. Hesitatingly, she hands him her last twenty dollar bill. They laugh. He walks on with his day and greets a friend to his left.

He told me "Homeless people are human beings just like the rest of us."

He is my uncle.

congrats to my blog sista

2007-03-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

My beloved friend Laurel is celebrating her 100th blog anniversary. This means she has shared over 100 stories of courage, laughter, fear, love and loss, milestones and pondering reflections! Bravo Laurel! We embarked on this blog journey together, knowing our stories would free us in some way.

We are gals who are always looking for forums in which to make sense of things and to challenge ourselves in ways that aren't always comfortable. That is, to know our limits and reach beyond them. To seek to understand ourselves and our loved ones and to continue to grow as human beings. We know we are far from perfect. We just try to conduct ourselves in a real way. Sometimes fumbling and finding out the hard way but overall, we have turned out okay!

I love you Laurel. Thank you for inspiring me to continue to write, despite my fears in doing so, at times. Thank you for challenging me when I second guess myself and for leading me to the light.

We will always be two school girls reaching out to eachother. Vulnerable yet so wise.

Love to thee.

time

2007-03-15T12:49:00.000-05:00

Though the clocks sprung forward this week, I clinged to time standing still. Funny how despite my yearning for spring, I have made a conscious effort not to wish away time. You see, for every season or occasion in the future that I long for, means I pay the price with time. I actually listen to my old fashioned clock tick sometimes and just look at our baby and snuggle with him longer.

I have told my niece that though there are many things to look forward to in life, nothing is more precious than the present. It is what we know, it is the here and now and that's all that counts. We have control over what we can do with our moments and how we can savour them all.

It is what we call soaking it up. Time well spent.

John Travolta

2007-03-14T12:18:00.000-05:00

It doesn't matter what film he is in. He makes me weak. He makes my heart melt with his younger roles in Welcome Back Kotter, Grease, Saturday Night Fever or Perfect. John seemed to disappear for a while though and we didn't see him age too much on television. I've seen some interviews and movies but none for a while. Last week, some girlfriends and I went to Moms and Strollers at the theatre. Great time had by all! The movie was Wild Hogs, starrring you guessed it- John Travolta!

He is now in his early 50's and he is still a heart throb! I will always have a soft spot for this man!

Hubba Hubba!

the baby whisperer

2007-03-12T22:41:00.000-05:00

I was given a book to help me on my mission towards a settled baby. Way back, three months ago, I reported that I felt our baby was entering "the settled baby stage". That lasted all of two weeks. It was wonderful when it lasted.

Now we are at the six month mark. I REALLY need some more solid sleep so I can function and escape this groggy fog I sometimes feel throughout the day. The party's over! It's time for him to settle for longer periods through the night. No more two hour intervals!

I have quickly learned that this baby market is exceptionally vast and lucrative! There is a book for everything you could imagine! There is a product for everything you could imagine where babies are concerned. I have fallen for a few marketable products that just didn't pan out for what they were worth. For instance, the Bumbo. It is a cute "ergonomic" chair for babies to support them in sitting properly and comfortably when they are too young to hold themselves up. You can use them for many versatile reasons- feeding, playing, bring it to the beach or over to your mother-in-laws! It's made from non-toxic durable plastic in Africa and it's very light-weight! Sound appealing? Our baby tolerated it for maybe five seatings. He squirmed in it and wanted out- FAST! I sold it last week to another new mother who has been "drawn" in like I was. I took the money and ran! Hey- I was upfront, I told her that my baby just didn't enjoy it like I knew her baby would! haha!

So now I read this Baby Whisperer book in two nights. I found most of the stuff common sense and some of it helpful. However, there are so many schools of thought. I have been guided in so many directions by "sleep experts" and nothing is the right approach. It confused me more than anything. This whole "is your baby sleeping through the night concept" is a hoax. There is no-one that can tell me that they have a baby who does this- consistently in the first year! If there is, send her to me and I will be the adult whisperer and give her a piece of my mind. I say this with a lighthearted kind of kidding. Really. I just have to persevere and go with my gut. That is what I have learned! I know our baby well enough now that I have an idea what is going to work. Time, patience, consistency and warmth.

I should write a book and call it "I don't know everything but you've gotta start somewhere!"

Look for it on bookshelves next year when I am more rested!

Good night!

body image

2007-03-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

I was horrified today watching a television commercial from LA weight loss! Its premise was that "skin was in and food was out". My goodness, what is this world coming to?

I am really worried about the young girls growing up today. They are subjected to this crazed body image stuff at such a tender age. They grow up way too quickly and this added pressure is just not fair.

A friend of mine hosted a birthday party last month for her 8 year old daughter. The evening promised to be fun filled with an "all night dance party" for five of her girlfriends. "All night" just made it sound really appealing but they crashed at eleven after dancing the night away in the living room to their favourite music! My friend baked a delicious chocolate cake for the party and when she brought it out, there was no response! The only person who had a piece of the cake was the birthday girl herself. One girl piped up and said "Oh, I can't eat that or I'll get a fat butt."

I think it's wonderful that kids say no to eating junk food often or they are health conscious but this came from a different place. It represents the fear, worry and anxiety young girls have about their looks when they really should be free-spirited in this time of their lives. Cake is a wonderful treat to bring out on a special occasion!

How sad.

I want all of the young girls in my life to be healthy both in body and mind. I want to reach out to them and say, yes- nurture your bodies, treat them right, stay active, eat your veggies but for goodness sakes, be a kid! Go out and play and have a happy heart! Don't concern yourself with such matters.

the golden oldies

2007-02-27T20:25:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, I didn't enjoy listening to "golden oldies" music. I remember trying to make a run for it whenever the radio would blare such tunes like "Unchained melody," "Why do fools fall in love," and "Earth Angel." I used to cringe. I would picture old diners with juke boxes and boys with slicked black hair standing tall as the pretty girls in poodle skirts walked by with their pig tales and rosey, innocent cheeks. I think I watched "the Fonz" in action one too many times.

I did much of my growing up and youthful activities in the 90's. Things were much different then. We used to go in large numbers to dance clubs and dance the night away! Clubs began staying open until 2am and we'd stay until the lights came on! I was living on my own in my early twenties so a curfew was irrelevant but I stayed out of trouble- for the most part. I used to wear long boots, short tops underneath blazers because I wasn't that brave and jeans usually. ICCK. Back then, I thought I looked so good. I was a pretty good dancer (if I don't say so myself) and I always had a blast with my friends! We always played it safe and took a taxi all over town or we'd stay in a hotel if we were too far from home. We'd pack in as many friends into our rooms as possible which would make the accommodations really cheap. We'd usually eat a big breakfast with a large group of us before we headed home with a headache from the night before. Pretty innocent fun and lots of laughs were had. We'd listen to hip hop and dance music all night long!

I wonder if our baby will one day hear the music we used to listen to and cringe? Will our music be considered "the golden oldies" next? I am not really sure. Somehow I feel the music of my time was less authentic and not as celebrated. There is something to be said for the true "golden oldies". I think they will outlast the test of time.

Ice cream

2007-02-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

My husband often dreams of really light and easy things. Things like birds, fishing, wildlife, etc. I believe this represents a psyche that is at peace. My dreams and the frequency of dreaming coincides with what's going on "upstairs" for me and usually is a good indication of my overall wellness. Lately, my dreams have been about real life things that I may be struggling with in reality. However, good news! I believe my seasonal low is lifting!

Last night, I dreamt of ice cream!!!! What a wonderful treat not only to dream of something yummy but to dream of something that represents a lighter side to me. Ice cream is good for people of all ages. It is a treat that is timeless. We often outgrow our childhood tastes but ice cream remains a part of us.

Just think for a moment of what it would be like if ice cream could be found everywhere!! You'd walk to the park and were able to indulge in the trails of ice cream along the way. It excites to me to think of ice-cream as a part of our baby's life too. I wonder what his favourite flavour will be? A few of mine are tiger stripe, peanut butter chocolate and orange sorbet.

My husband says every now and then he gets a glimpse of the little girl who still lives in me. She comes out every now and then but especially where ice-cream is concerned! I told him about the ice-cream truck who used to drive down my street playing whimsical music to entice the children. It worked for me! As soon as I would hear those familiar tunes, I would run up to the house and shout with glee, "Mom, the ice-cream man's coming, the ice-cream man is coming!" Usually she would hand out her last bit of change and I would be the first in line ordering a vanilla/chocolate swirl cone. I would savour it down to the last lick. My husband got a chuckle out of this story. Last summer, in our new house, I saw him running towards the house and he too, began shouting, "The ice cream man's coming!" He was so excited for me because the same kind of truck is now making runs through our neighbourhood. How sweet of my hubby for sharing in my excitement. It was precious! I think I squealed just as I did when I was a kid.

I remember going to the famous "Stoney Creek Dairy" as a special outing as a kid with my family after our Sunday evening meal. The weather was so warm and there was nothing better than ending a warm summer day with ice-cream! Together, my family would line up in the massive crowd outside that wonderful dairy, waiting to get our fix. I would stand there with my finger on my lip reading the 101 flavours to choose from. My grandpa would always order the same flavour every time. Black cherry or maple walnut. He loved watching us enjoy our ice-cream. I remember staring in awe if my dad ordered his banana split. I would watch him sample each mound of ice-cream covered with delicious toppings. Strawberry. Butterscotch. Hot fudge. I always asked for a taste of the banana.

A few years back, I learned I was lactose intolerant so ice-cream was out of my life for a while. I missed it. Life just wasn't the same. Last summer, being very pregnant and knowing I would be without other summer treats like strawberry daiquiris, I knew I had to find a way to be able to enjoy ice-cream again. Have you ever heard of lacteeze? It really works. I carried them in my purse and I would pop a couple of them just moments before arriving at the ice-cream parlour and I was fine!!!!

If everyone on this planet were as excited about ice-cream as I am, I am certain there would be peace on earth.

baby's first blizzard

2007-02-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

We had plans, darn it! The baby and I made it into my home-town for a little visit this week. We had plans to see aunts, friends, old co-workers and others. We were blasted with Mr. Winter today and it is still coming down! We tried to venture out this morning to our favourite toy store and our trip was short! As I carried the baby in his car seat into the store, I looked back at the empty parking lot and shook my head. "I gotta have rocks in my head! What am I doing out in this?"

We spent the day at Mom's. This baby of mine does not need toys! We had a blast! I put on my famous "wabbit hat" and made funny faces at him all morning long. I wonder what he was thinking but he didn't seem to tire of my exaggerated bunny faces. I think I belong in theatre! Once the performance of my life was over, we headed to the bedroom and had one long nap!
Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z are always a good way to spend a blizzard too!

I am not looking forward to the aftermath. My husband misses me and I am looking forward to heading home!

the "C" word

2007-02-10T17:20:00.002-05:00

Not a great topic. I know. It is taboo and no-one wants to talk about it. Just this past week we have known 3 people who have succumbed to this dreadful disease. Just this past week, I had lunch with four friends. I was the only one who had not lost a parent to this disease. Just this past week, one of my dear friends sitting at that very table had recently been diagnosed with the disease at the tender age of 33. Just this past week, I had dinner with my 8 year old nephew at a Chinese restaurant and his fortune cookie said, "You will live a healthy and prosperous life." He clapped his hands and said "Yay, I won't get cancer!" I looked at him in disbelief and asked him to repeat what he said. It was exactly what I had heard. My conclusion- we had better start talking about this.

I must admit, I have very little awareness about the disease but what I do know it has afflicted too many people I love. What do we do about this? Just sit by and ring our hands together hoping it will not arrive at someone else's door step? It is the most helpless feeling of all.

a trip to the dairy farm

2007-01-31T21:33:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be breastfeeding our baby. There are so many benefits for both of us. It is a small sacrifice in the big picture. Day in and day out, it is a time that I can spend with the baby and enjoy. He is quite playful and comical during his feedings lately. He will play hide and seek and peek-a-boo while he takes a break. Other times, he leisurely sips away like he's enjoying his version of an aperitif. I gotta say that it isn't always wonderful being occupied for almost 8-10 times per day- especially on days when I have a huge to-do list. However, I remind myself to exercise patience, as it is one of the most natural things a mother could give to her young. I often joke when whisking the baby away in my arms while excusing myself to my guests- "sorry, time to take a trip to the dairy farm", I say.

The next time I pass a farm, I will wave and blow kisses to these wonderful and patient creatures. Geeeeeeeeez.

bug boxes

2007-01-31T15:45:00.000-05:00

What random thoughts I have swirling in my mind. Today on my way home from a friend's, I got thinking in the car about all of the fun things I can do when I open my day-care.

Bug boxes came to mind.

I used to love collecting any little creatures from spiders to toads, ants and potato bugs and my favourite of all- salamanders! Mostly I would house them in baby jars or margarine containers. My attempt at keeping them in their natural habitat would be to yank out some strands of grass from the earth and viola! Home sweet home! I am sure it would have been more advantageous to feed them, water them and give them some breathing holes! I always forgot those details and would often wonder why they didn't live past a few hours. Poor little critters!

My biggest and most successful achievement was an old mandarin orange box that I transformed into a small landscape for my salamander collection. I put lots of dirt in there with a little pond of water. I couldn't determine their food source so I just gathered whatever I could think of that might appeal to them. Crushed up potato chips, ants, grass, beetles, etc. I looked after them for several weeks and they were thriving! I was amazed! I considered myself to be one great care-taker. It was the highlight of the summer for me. Waking up in the morning, I'd run out to greet my friends in the garage! After a few weeks, the novelty wore off and I became pre-occupied with something else. That happened a lot when I was a kid. I forgot about my friends in the orange box and God knows how long it was before I went back for them! They were all dried up and resembled the hard & stiff, plastic toy lizards I had inside. I felt so ashamed!

After remembering this story, I don't think I could ever encourage taking little creatures as hostages! I just couldn't stand it.

On to the next idea.....

the Window Man

2007-01-30T16:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, after much blushing, I can laugh at this! It was the highlight of my day, in fact. I am sure it wasn't for dear old Mr. Window Man! He got the surprise/shock of his life today! We have had major renovations happening at our place for the last week. Looking good but God Almighty, enough already! Please leave. Now.

We are having all of our windows, eaves, soffit and fascia replaced... blah blah blah.

There has been a man hanging around our blind-free windows for days now and I can't keep up to his movements around the house! Fischer is amused because his interpretation is that there are life-size mobiles dangling in our windows. Each time he sneaks a peek at "the Window Man", he smiles and squeaks with amusement.

Today after my shower, I thought I heard him at the back of our house. The coast was clear!You know where I am going with this. I ran with my towel wrapped around me into the bedroom to change as quickly as possible. You guessed it! Towel drops to the floor and who pipes up on a ladder? I was mortified and I am sure he was too! That'll teach him from over-staying his welcome and hanging out in people's windows all day long!

I am over it. I really am.

not as advertised

2007-01-22T22:12:00.000-05:00

The king size bed we bought the other day was tested out today! It failed miserably! My husband was drawn to this bed because it promised for a steady and solid sleep... no waking from your wife's tossing and turning, wine drinking or bowling tournaments. You see, the commercial demonstrates a bowling ball being tossed down onto the mattress and the sleeper remains un-disturbed. The memory foam is supposed to soften the fall or commotion. The other demonstration was a wine glass full of red wine sitting on the bed while a woman jumps up and down on the bed like a lunatic- the glass remains full!

Tonight, I wanted to test my own theories about this bed and prove my husband wrong! We weren't brave enough to sip wine in bed so I asked him to go and get us two big bowls of cereal- corn pops to be exact! We never eat sugar cereal but it was a special event to be had in our new bed! Picture this- there we were, sitting on the bed, taking turns eating our corn pops while the other one bounced on the bed. Result- never cry over spilt milk, I tell you!

Not as advertised, I am afraid. Nevertheless, a comfortable night's sleep still awaits us.

Good night!

men and their "BIG" ideas

2007-01-19T20:00:00.000-05:00

I was talked into a king size bed by my hubby this week. Price tag- you don't wanna know! I mean, this was a small fortune but I have been assured that we won't have to buy another one for some time. I should think not! If one part of the bed suddenly gives, we have plenty of mattress to last us a life-time!

Reasons I am not convinced this was a good idea:

a) I am not sure if I will ever get used to having a step-stool beside my bed
b) I won't be able to afford new sheets. We better take care of the ones we bought and sleep on bare mattress when they're in the wash!
c) I already have "bed head" in the morning, let alone the wind blown look because the ceiling fan suddenly feels really close!
d) My husband was actually disappointed when he saw it because he thought it would be bigger- OMG! The man wants the bed to accommodate his wing span!
e) Not only is there plenty of room for the both of us, G. can have a harem and be the big Babba! NOT going to happen. Ever.
f) I have lost my night-table because there is no space left in the room. You walk in to one big BED-ROOM literally. It is a room with a BED. That's it. Pretty much.

Enough reasons? Ahhhhhh!

My Sister

2007-01-16T21:12:00.000-05:00

I have never had someone write a story about me. Today, I checked my sister's blog and there it was. I have asked other family members if I can display some of their writing here because it seems to be something a few of us enjoy. To reflect and to write.

I share this with you not in an attempt to "self congratulate" but rather to show you just how wonderful it is to have someone know you completely like only a sister could. In reading this, I also have come to understand that I guess we really do develop our personalities at a young age and the more things change, the more they stay the same. Thanks Care for giving me a tender glimpse of what it was like growing up with me. WOW. I love you forever and a day.

Some siblings don't find friendship and unconditional love in their lot, in eachother. But I am a lucky one. I have. It is strong bond with my one and only. Her name is Laura. Isn't that a pretty name? Old fashioned but Classic. Humble but Elegant. Welcoming and Down to Earth. And named after the middle name of our Grandmother. So she is well named. As a little girl, I thought of her as my own dolly much of the time,Thumbalina as my Mom called her. A doll that I could feed real pie to, and she loved it. And so the nickname PieFace from our Dad.

I remember right from the beginning of her. I remember she smiled easily and her face always looked happy. Even when she cried, she'd smile. I remember her eyes welling up when she was happy to see me. Thankfully, that was often. And for some strange reason I seemed to understand what that was back then,that it was happiness. I knew she was happy and I 'd tell her that..." Yes, your happy to see me, aren't you Laura? "Lunch times of chicken noodle soup in pink plastic bowls,and Laura having to be tied into the big kids chair is a vision I still recall easily. And she was always braver than I for being the younger of the two of us. She jokes about me scaring her with the "hamburgler"but honestly, she wasn't afraid of much. When I was too chicken to go down the basement and get potatoes from the fruit cellar, I could always convince her to do it for me. Convincing her was usually in the form of a threat to tell about her and Stefan kissing,but it saved me many times from having to go down those stairs and it worked for years...until she confessed to our mother that she kissed that Stefan.

For years we abandoned our own rooms and slept in the spare room together. Again, I was a chicken. I'd beg her to sleep in the spare room just one more night. And she always did. And she put up with a lot, I peed the bed till I was 11. I only remember her complaining once and that was the time I blamed her for the wet bed.

Laura was a bit of a tomboy growing up. Was never fond of hair brushings usually quite dirty from a full day of outside play and just ...always up to things. If she wasn't clearing the nicknacks out of my room thinking I'd never notice them in her room, she'd have some concoction in the blender, some lost animal hidden in her room, or she was organizing some "Main Event" andputting all her little friends to work while she gave orders.

She'd have a new friend daily. She could meet a new friend anywhere. At the park, bike riding or just walking up that long street Norway Ave. but she'd bring them home for supper. And she'd sit smiling from ear to ear at them at the supper table, telling stories and offering them her last bite of food. She was good friend with many, many of them. The kind of kid that would smile at you with a fondness in her eye that made you feel like you were the best friend ever. She still has that little Beav smile,the one where her eyebrow raises just a tad and her cheeks indent in the lower corners.Yes, I know my sister well, from her smile right down to her feet.

Scavenger hunts,hikes that lasted until dark,and night long games of hide and seekand kick baseball,sleepovers and theme parties were part of her personality. And still are. To me, Laura was a little girl that you had to call 20 times to come in for supper,she never sat still to eat proper,and in minutes she was out playing again. She was extremely easy going most times but she had a temper and could beat the molasses out of me. I deserved it becausefor some reason I got a kick out of teasing her. It was usually about her height, she was always the tallest girl in her class or her big feet ( I am sooo sorry for that Laura). I'd tease her until she got to the point of her red explosive face and then I regretted it. A straight and thorough hair pulling (her famous move)never stopped me from egging her on the next day though so, like I said I deserved it.

She was always a helper of mankind from a very younge age. She loved older people, and animals and earthy things for as long as I can remember. I am quite sure she would still climb a tree in a dress. She has always been strong and brave,and would stand up to anyone,or any cause she believed in. She was a born leader. As she grew up,her fiesty stayed but sometimes bossy personality softened. It only comes out when experiencing bad service or injustice towards her fellow man. She is still full of mischief andonly last week scared the molasses of out of my son,just for kicks.

She learns best hands on, by doing it, not being told how to do it. But rolling up her sleeves and trial and error. She is a wife and a mother now. And a great one. But she is so, still that little girl,that loved playing tricks,getting dirty,and eating pie, one sliver of each kind.
And being the very best person she knows how to be. Herself.
By Carrie

what do you wanna be when you grow up?

2007-01-14T20:15:00.000-05:00

When I grow up, I want to be.....

Well, for most of us this sentence isn't realized. It is put off, second guessed, ruled out and other times ridiculed or ignored. For others, it gets tweaked a bit and only a select few really become that person we wanted to be when we grew up. I know for me this changed a lot through the years but the general theme was to work with people and to serve them well in some small way.

When I was a little girl, aside from the typical "I wanna be a teacher or veterinarian", I knew that I wanted to try to make a difference in people's lives. I used to say "I want to help people with their problems", not knowing the precise title or occupation that entailed.

Later, I learned this resembled the occupation of a social service worker but it could also mean family member or friend because they, too, need to be helped out with their problems (I did too at the best of times).

I suppose you could say I followed my dream. I know some people felt I wouldn't be compensated well enough from a financial stand-point to deal with such challenges. My response - that's not what this was about. It was to help people. However, in hindsight, the people I worked with actually "helped" me. They helped me find my way.

I learned to be humble. I learned compassion. I learned about human nature in all of its glory and defeat. I learned best by doing, be seeing, by witnessing, by listening. I began my career wanting to save the world. I took on way too much at times, I lost lots of sleep, I shed tears, I had trouble drawing clear boundaries when I wanted to go to the endth for people. I learned about people's struggles with codependency, healing and truth. I learned that we really are equals in this world - the same vulnerable human beings who fear the same things and want the same things out of life. I learned that people's choices were their own and most importantly, I had to learn that it really wasn't about me.

I gave people their power back. I put it back in their laps when they wanted me to make their decisions for them, I held their hand when they faced their fears, I celebrated them when they rose to the occasion of life and moved out of the darkness. I waved goodbye when it was time and I was a refined "ice breaker". I was just my plain old real self and it worked with most people. I learned to have a reliable sense of humour when things went array and I learned to forgive myself when I made mistakes.

Eventually, I went from amateur and naive helper of people to a more self-assured and seasoned veteran. I learned when to say yes and when to say no and when to walk away from situations that may put me at risk.

I have been afforded the opportunity to have worked with over 1000 people in my career! I have been threatened a dozen times, sworn at frequently but hugged more often. Now I have decided it's time to hang up my hat and call it a day.

"If you love and serve man, you cannot, by any hiding or stratagem, escape remuneration".
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Feeding Time!!

2007-01-12T19:46:00.000-05:00

Today after getting a pep talk and some solid advice from my best friend Siobbhan (Godess and Mother of two), I arrived at a good conclusion- it's time. The baby has put me through the ringer the last week waking up through the night and re-claiming newborn status with the need to be fed every two hours!! Cluster feeding aka growth spurt for this little babe. I am persevering but I think this baby is trying to tell us something- he needs more!! We gave him his first taste of cereal tonight and boy did he love it! He was so excited he went cross-eyed and squeeled with delight. Furthermore, he did not reject it and we couldn't get the spoon in his mouth quick enough. As you can see from the pictures, it was not long before he took over. The spoon was in his hand as he smothered it all over his face mostly but eventually it made it to its destination! Yummy for him and so delightful to watch!

lions and tigers and bears

2007-01-11T23:46:00.000-05:00

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie of all times. I don't think it will ever be replaced.
The singing, the dancing, the performing, the magic of it all.

As I have said before, if I were any one of these characters, I would play the lion and ask for courage. Why? Everyone needs a great dose of courage in this life.

Sometimes I am afraid of my own shadow and its capabilities. I have to ponder things from all angles and analyze the molasses of out it. (note: I am trying to use more appropriate language since it's so easy to use filler words like crap- ooops, I said it).

May I trust my gut more. A recent study said you really should go with what your gut tells you. Often times, people ignore what their instincts have told them. I will listen to you more, gut. I promise. You are right most times. I value you.

Sometimes I fear the unknown. What does it matter- it's going to happen anyway! Instead, may I try to embrace the unknown and know that I have more control over my own outcomes than I realize. I must breathe good things and feel good things and they will happen. Forget about wasting my money on fortune tellers, I may get good enough and be able to forecast my own fate. In addition, may I just enjoy the here and now. Often times, I look way too far ahead. By the time I get actually physically get to that time, I am way past that concern and it's irrelevant. I have moved onto other things.

Most times I fear loss. This is a big one. I must work really hard at this. Why is it that I think about this way too much? I know it's big for most people but it's really big for me. Some things we just don't have control over and the inevitable happens. We loose things that matter to us- people and things. People obviously being the important one here. If I could gather up all of the courage from OZ, I would get better at this. It will take some time.

I will just follow the yellow brick road and find me some courage.

the price of a miracle

2007-01-07T10:27:00.000-05:00

I stared at the shoes on the shelf in front of me. "...none of these are Bass Weejuns, Dad!" I exclaimed. "Well, there's plenty of choice here", he said. "Pick one that looks like them - these are penny loafers."

I was feeling so frustrated, so angry, so humiliated. Why did I have to have wider feet than the average gal. Why did I have to shop in an old lady's shoe store - Naturalizer's was not the place I wanted to be!

I apprehensively selected a black pair of "fake" penny loafers. I will be the laughing stock of the school, I imagined. We left the store and my stomach began to ache as I anticipated the thought of having to actually wear the darn things.

Next day comes. I wear my winter boots and shove the new shoes into my knapsack. I get on the bus and sit beside my friend Sandy. I began telling her the story as I am distracted mid-sentence. There across from me is a preppy girl sitting with her legs crossed. On foot- the shiniest, most beautiful pair of new Bass Weejuns. They were burgundy with tassels. I stared at them in awe, as I told my friend the saga of my new fake shoes. She and I both looked down at our feet and up again at each other and smiled. Almost a reassuring smile that said "We're in this together." Neither of us had an authentic pair of Weejuns.

I arrived at my locker- Brebeuf High School. Grade nine. Students distracted and rushing the halls, I pulled on the shoes and threw my boots into my locker. I began walking. If there was any way I could have hid my feet, I would have. They felt like they were 5 feet long. All I could see were my sorry looking shoes. I suddenly felt weak. I quickly walked into my home-room class. Science. We had lab seats - you know, high stools. Great, I now had to sit with them displayed so the whole world could see them! I put my head down until the teacher commenced our lab lesson. The end of the day drew near and I was longing to be back at my locker switching into my boots for the long bus ride home. It had been a very long day. Thank God, that cute Grade 10 guy Sean didn't come to class today. I seek him out always and today I played it real low key.

Sandy and I hopped on the bus and before I knew it, it was time to say good-bye. My stop was next so I stood at the bus door talking to her about our plans for the upcoming dance. There was no way I would wear these shoes to the dance. School was bad enough. I waved good-bye and off I went. I walked home from the bus stop practically dragging my knapsack behind. I still had my lunch from today. There was no way I had any appetite. Maybe I would go on a hunger strike to prove a point to my Dad that this was one of the most devastating experiences in my life. Maybe he would give in and buy me a new pair of shoes.

The next day came. I went through the motions. I never did homework in the ninth grade so it was not abnormal to leave my knapsack untouched in the evenings. Something was different. As I pulled out my lunch from the day before and replaced it with my new lunch, I peered inside. "Wait a minute," I said to myself. I was missing a shoe. This couldn't be! Maybe it fell out onto the floor as I emptied it. I looked around. Panic mixed with excitement. The shoe was gone!! I now had only one terrible shoe. I was going to be late for the bus! I had to think quick. I grabbed for another pair out of the closet and rushed out the door. I would look for the shoe after school. I am sure it will turn up.

Days went by and the shoe was still missing in action. My father glared at me from the corner of his eye in disbelief and did not buy my story- AT ALL. How could I have lost one shoe? I wondered the same thing. I had very mixed emotions. My father knew how much I hated those shoes but I knew they weren't cheap. I felt bad. I felt worried. I felt happy. I felt relieved. Months passed and the shoe was never found. It must have fallen out of my knapsack when I was walking home on that infamous day. Someone was looking out for me. It was a miracle but it left me feeling somewhat torn. My credibility remained in question but I really did loose that shoe- innocently at that.

The price of a miracle, I suppose.

Steeltown

2007-01-05T23:32:00.001-05:00

"There's no place like home" - Judy Garland

I am proud to say that the Steeltown is my home-town. I moved away six years ago but it's only been recently that I view Hamilton in a different light. I have many memories of the city. Mostly good but some bad. When I left, I felt it was time to experience life outside the place that had been home to me for 26 years. I have no regrets but I do get home sick from time to time. Though I still remain in Southern Ontario and not too far from home, I crave spontaneous moments with family and friends. I used to love dropping in to see people on a whim, going for coffee with a friend I bumped into at the mall or calling my mom crying that I had a bad day and she would be racing over to rescue me in a moment's notice. Now visits have to be much more coordinated. The benefit of living away is that you can have ample amounts of slumber parties though and be an overnight guest often. It is great fun!

For a time, my heart-strings were often tugged at when I returned to the city. I would reach my destinations and complete any business or visiting I had and then it would be time to depart. I would rarely just cruise around because there were so many places that would remind me of this memory or that person and so much has changed. It would be difficult to go down memory lane - probably because I just wasn't ready for it. I knew the time would come.

This past week, I needed a fix. January does this to me. It is often a very reflective and sentimental month for me. I imagine because we have entered a new year.

I drove around the city yesterday from west to east, north to south. Though it was just baby and I on this joy ride and he didn't understand much, I still talked aloud and narrated a few points of interest. I savoured the ride. I smiled most of the time. I actually laughed out loud a few times too. I also cried. Alot in fact. Not tears of sorrow but just plain old thankfulness. I passed a bus stop where I had my first kiss with my first love. A bench where I sat and shared skittles with a homeless man named. A park where I attended my first outdoor music concert without adult supervision- Jane Sibery at the Festival of Friends. We got her autograph and my sister cried! The hospital that I was born which overlooks the city. The cute little house where my Dad was raised in the north end. I could still see my Grandmother on the porch waving goodbye. The old restaurant my parents used to run on Barton Street. The old Consumer's Distributing Store where I would pick up the catalogues for my "Wish List" every year. The small street that I thought was named after my Uncle Lorne. The hill that my best friend and I would zoom down on our crazy carpets. It seemed so big back then! I also passed the cemetary where some of my friends and family are laid to rest. I passed my old Catholic Girls High School that has now been converted into a nursing home. Oh my goodness, the old variety store that I used to buy bags of penny candy was now boarded up. Oh there's that old pizzeria where my sister and I used to work and where she met her high school sweetheart and future husband. I could smell the yummy italian aroma as I drove by. I passed the market that I occassionally used to go to with my Grandma on Saturday mornings. The bar that I used to frequent with many good friends on Friday nights is still there. The college that I attended for two years has expanded. So many memories. So many great moments in my home-town. A place I will love returning to often. A place I will always call "home."

Thank you Hamilton. You have been good to me.

our planet, our earth...

2007-01-01T16:18:00.000-05:00

January always has me thinking about the bigger picture for some reason. Our world and our place in it. Have you ever begun to imagine that for every care or concern we own, there are a million, trillion other ones being created in the minds of others outside of ourselves?

It is easy to be self-consumed. Good or bad. We seem to think we have the best of blessings and the worst of sorrows. This blog is a perfect example. While I use it to get things off my chest, I always use it as a forum to pronounce my gratitudes, my fears and my cares in the world. Today I will think for one moment outside of myself. If we all did this, that is, to think outside of ourselves for one given moment, what would that amount to?

It would be a whole lot of energy used towards expanding our level of consciousness. Sometimes its easier to keep our world small and simple because its safer. I encourage you to keep doing that because I think if we allowed the big picture to stare us in the face for too long, we would all go mad.

Look for beautiful things to surround yourself with. Be gracious. Be kind. Most of all, take some time to contribute to the greater good though. If we all make an effort to improve our planet, perhaps it will pay off a little bit.

Who am I?

2007-01-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

I am a woman. I am someone's daughter. I am a baby boy's mother. I am a taurus. I am loyal but sometimes stubborn. I like to daydream. I am mostly joyful. I am a lover of the outdoors, wildlife, art, music and babies. I am a believer. I am a good cook, housekeeper and play-mate. I have a dislike for small talk and left-overs. My passion for justice can sometimes be exhausting. My mom says I am her baby. I feel discouraged about the way the world is going. I feel excited about chocolate and what I want out of life. I feel blessed for having an amusing family and some pretty fascinating friends. I am fearful of loss. I am grateful for knowing peace and love. I am saddened by violence but encouraged by compassion. I am inconsistent at times. I am always hopeful. I am still afraid of the "boogey man." I love cheesey pizza too much. I enjoy picnics in the park. I love the shade but adore the sunshine. I ride my bicycle with no hands sometimes. I smile alot and try not too frown too often. I am a student of life. I love ice-cream but I am lactose intolerant. I still eat it though once in a while. I could loose a few pounds but I am strong. I like myself. I miss my dog and my cat. I was married once before. I have no regrets. I am married again. This time I am committed to "for better or for worse" and everything beautiful in between. My dad says as a kid, I was a defender of the underdog. I still am. I don't read enough but when I do, I savour the last chapter and grieve the end of the book for a couple of days before I start a new one. I learn best by doing. I fall alot but I always get up, dust myself off and try again. I love to dance. I have suffered from depression. I believe in earth angels. I have one very charasmatic sister. I don't save money very well but I live well within my means. I enjoy food and wine and good company. I love to hear stories- especially true ones. I am not always on time. I worry too much sometimes. I respect my elders. I love whole heartedly. I try to speak less and listen more. I hate shopping for clothes but love shopping for anything else! I love pottery. I respect the environment. I answer to Pie-face, Beav, Lola, Girlee and Ms. Sensible Shoes.

Nice to meet you 2007

2007-01-01T10:30:00.000-05:00

If 2007 were in fact a person this is what I would say to him/her. Hello 2007, it's very nice to meet you.

Though I don't know you very well yet, I consider you to be very important in my life. I hope you are generous, compassionate, thoughtful, wise, conscientious and fortifying to people I love. I hope you afford us lots of time to get to know you before you are gone and replaced by someone called 2008. I hope you can be well spent and economical. I hope you are gentle with people's hearts. I hope you are filled with calm and splendor.

I hope we can make beautiful memories with you 2007.

Happy travels. May your journey be bright!

on death and dying

2006-12-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

Why is everyone afraid to talk about this subject like I am? I have challenged myself to face things that make me uncomfortable and explore it further in an effort to make peace with my uneasiness.

I attended the funeral of my friend's mother this week. She was only 51. Too young. Too beautiful. Too needed. One can never make sense of this kind of loss but try to get beyond the initial shock and pain and somehow learn to get on with life in some way. You never get on with life, you just learn to deal with the loss the best you can.

I looked into a man's eyes today that installed a window in our house. He was the nicest man. As he was leaving, he wished me a Merry Christmas. I returned the sentiment and as he was turning away to leave, he muffled "I sure hope next year is better than this one." I don't think he expected me to inquire but I did. I always do. "Why, did you not have a good year?", I asked. He went on to tell me he had lost his wife, his son, his father, his cat and his dog all in the last two years. I gasped. This man needed to talk. I needed to listen. As we stood in the doorway, I learned this man had just recently buried his son who was only 32 years of age. The grief this man was enduring must be over the top. His doctor encouraged him to take some pills to help him cope. I was appalled. Doctors are too quick to want to prescribe a pill for everything these days- even grief. Grief needs to be felt, to be heard and to be healed. It's all a process. I participated in part of his process today. I was glad. He sighed and started to cry on my doorstep. I squeezed his hand and he thanked me for listening. I thanked him for sharing. He went on his way.

Christmas may be a happy time for kids and adults alike but it is painful for people who are missing their loved ones. Instead of thinking of ourselves all the time, be aware that we may be passing someone who is suffering in the mall or on the street. We may be passing someone who is feeling lonely or lost. Pay attention and be compassionate. Always. Not just at Christmas time.

Mr. Beasley

2006-12-22T21:54:00.000-05:00

I lost a best friend of mine years ago when we moved to a new home.
Mrs. Beasley, or Mrs. B -
first name unknown and unimportant.
Mrs. B was my pal.
I often wonder where the dear soul ended up,
I presume somewhere between Moxley Crt.
and Burris St.
Indeed, I'd never suggest my mother somehow helped her find her way into the garbage.
I would never do that. But as my Ma will admit herself, she has a way of these type of accidents happening.
I don't blame anyone, especially now that I have kids. You tell them to pick up their toys one too may times , and all prized possessions become vulnerable. What seems like garbage to a parent, is a sacred keepsake to a child, regardless of how dirty and gooey, and so it should be.
Needless to say, Original Mrs. Beasley was lost.
I convinced myself that somehow Mrs B. found her way into a needy child's arms to live happily ever after, once she fell off the moving truck.
A few years ago, I came into possession of Mrs. Beasley again. It was delightful. The marvels of e-Bay !
Although she was exactly as I remembered her : frizzy yellow hair, blue and white polka dot outfit, fancy bib and 2 pairs of granny glasses...1 for special days, the gold ones with real glass, and black spectacles without glass for everyday... she paled in comparison to my original.
The smell of playdough, cookies and sisterly goo was gone from her. She is a more pristine version of my best friend from years gone by; but, I enjoy our reunion and let my children play with her whenever they like, in hope that the kid smells come back.
In September I became and Aunt to a most darling little boy, Fischer.
I have still not found the words to describe my love for this little person. Much like a child of my own, but without the pressure ! The best of both worlds I suppose.
And as an unexpected bonus to Aunthood, he fits into Mrs. Beasley's everyday glasses perfectly !
As a little girl, I always longed to know the Mister of Mrs. Beasley.... that was always a mystery to me. Where was Mr. Beasley ?
Well, I found him...... Fischer E. Beasley.
How do you do Sir ?
- by Carrie M.

tree of hope

2006-12-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

My tree of hope is located on my street. Whoever took the time to line this tree full of lights was a saint! It glistens and lights up the entire street! The picture really doesn't do it justice.

My hopes for the upcoming year...

to avoid gossip.
to give thanks at meal-times and never say "I'm starving" because I truly don't know what that feels like and I hope I never will.
to make time for people I love.to look in the mirror and make funny faces at myself often and embrace my laugh lines.
to end my day with sigh of gratefulness.
to always look out for people who may feel lost and help them find their way.
to never turn down an opportunity to have a big belly laugh (minus the belly) which leads to my next wish... to love the skin I'm in but make more efforts to lead a healthier/active life.
to always remain humble and grounded with the belief that we are all equals.
to challenge myself to face and conquer at least one fear this upcoming year.
to have more patience with telemarketers and salespeople- they need to earn a living too.
to afford myself the luxury of chocolate only once a week.
to spend less but feel more enriched than money can buy.
to make a new tradition with my hubby that we must stop, sit and kiss on benches we may come across in our travels.
to adore this growing baby of ours each and every single day of our lives.
to continue to do things for myself that nurture my mind, body and spirit.
to actively engage with young people and know what's on their minds.
to promote myself to people who need a listening ear.
to give my Grandma much time to talk about herself when I am in her company.
to never stop believing in miracles and that the human spirit is still alive.
to be me. to know what's best. to contribute to the greater good.

2007 is just another year that has to be savoured and not wasted. Live your life well.

friends are like flowers

2006-12-19T23:43:00.000-05:00

"Friends are like flowers, beautiful flowers,
friends are like flowers in the garden of life.
Are you a daisy, are you a rose, are you a dandelion?
You can be what you'll be, I'll be what I am.
We will be friends in the garden of life."

I used to sing this song in grade 4. I would sing at the top of my lungs, together with my classmates. I thought if I sang as loud as I could, it would hold more meaning and my dear friends would know how I felt about them. I used to look around the classroom as I sang it aloud and smile at my friends while I sang my heart out. Today, I still sing the song. I believe friends are truly like flowers. They all represent something different in your life. They are all unique and colourful in their own way-adding up to one beautiful bouquet.

I consider myself to be much like a dandelion. This particular flower is a pest to some but tolerated by others! (hehe). I happen to love them because they are often overlooked! The colour yellow represents hope, cheer and sunshine. It also represents mellow yellow; someone who is laid back and relaxed. On the negative side yellow can also mean cowardly. Yes, I am fearful and cowardly at times. If I were to visit the land of OZ, I, too, would ask for courage like the cowardly lion. Dandelions are resiliant, resourceful and can adapt to most conditions. They are hardy, stubborn and steadfast. It takes a lot to get rid of them! A dandelion might not be as pretty as a rose but nevertheless, they are nice to look at.

Most of all, dandelions have strong roots that have healing properties. I hope in some way, I have a calming, healing affect on people. I think about my friends often. They are very important to me, despite what distances may be between us. Life gets busy and we don't often connect with eachother as much as we'd like. I carry each one of you with me though through this journey called life. Each of you are a precious flower to me that I won't take for granted. I will water our friendship and keep it in full bloom because you are such a part of me.

With Love & Friendship xoxoxo

This is me with one of my very best friends.... I think she is a gerbera daisy.. my favourite flower of all.

Mommys and Angels

2006-12-18T19:40:00.000-05:00

As I stared at our Christmas tree, I thought, "What the heck is missing?" I forgot to put the angel on it. It got me thinking. Rather than putting a stranger of an angel on our tree, I should somehow be putting my mother on top of our tree. What a better representative of an angel, I thought.

Obviously, I cannot fit her on our tree nor do I think she'd want to hang out there all season long. I thought a good option might be to cut out a picture of her face and glue it over the angel's face that currently resides in a box. She is yearning to be put to work so she had better be okay with sharing her identity temporarily with my mother.

Truly, I cannot tell you how much I love this woman. She is an angel in my life who flutters around me daily when I cannot be with her. When I am with her, she lifts me off my feet with her presence.

When she first set eyes on Fischer, I could see what was happening before me. As she looked into my baby's eyes, she welled up with tears. She saw her baby girl all over again. That's me! I knew what she was thinking and she confirmed this. It must be a very unique experience to have another baby in your life that resembles your own child at birth. WoW. Powerful stuff.

Mom, I can't tell you how much I believe you are an angel on earth. God put you here to make people feel loved and to always see the good in people. You are the most sacred gift of all.

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." - Lincoln

xoxoxox Your daughter xoxoxoxox

my favourite Christmas specials...

2006-12-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

As the season fast approaches, I got thinking....

Scrooge- how could I forget this Christmas memory! We'd spend many a Christmas Eve's with my father's uncle Johnny and his family in Grimsby. I would love to visit them. Judy, their daughter, was a little older than Carrie and I. We'd take note of her stylish clothes and hair-do's and be in awe of her. She was beautiful. We'd learn all the latest dances from her including the robot and some other fun disco moves. My Uncle Johnny and Aunt Teenie were very warm people. Their home was always so festive at Christmas time- lots of baked goods and candy/nuts in fancy dishes. I always had a hard time with the nut-cracker but Dad would help me out. I wasn't patient enough. Aunt Teenie would often sing or hum a lovely Christmas song in her glorious singing voice while Dad and Uncle Johnny would catch up on things. Scrooge would be on the television. Sometimes we'd watch all of it and other times it would be just playing in the background as we gabbed. It was nonetheless a wonderful tradition to enjoy with family. I always was a little spooked out by Scrooge and his pastey, ghostly complexion. This is one of my Dad's favourites!

Dick Clark's New Year's Celebration was the perfect end to the year! We'd stay with Grandma and Grandpa overnight while our parents usually went out to a big New Year's bash. Our wonderful routine consisted of a nice warm bubble bath, followed by getting into our cozy pj's (usually pink ones for me!) and lots of cuddle time with Grandpa on the couch while Grandma fixed us one of her home-made pizzas or sometimes we would order Chinese food from around the corner on Barton Street. The best in town, they claimed! We would get to sit with our TV trays in the living room and watch the special in the "big apple" where we'd watch the ball drop and ring in the new year with good old Dick! That wasn't the end of it though. Our grand finale after much kissing and well wishing with our Grandparents would be our annual pot banging performance on their front porch. We were encouraged to shout as loud as we could- "Happy New Year-r-r-r-r-r-r-" while Grandpa chuckled as he sipped on his first drink of the new year- usually a rye and ginger with lots of ice cubes.

Donny and Marie Osmond were our all-time favourite performers of the '70's whether it was Christmas time or not! We used to crank the music on our dad's "record player" and sing along. Or should I say, Carrie got to bellow it out while she kept me in line and made sure I didn't "out sing" her. I think Carrie truly believed she was Marie Osmond as she would close her eyes with pretend microphone in hand and give the performance of her life. Towards the end of the record, she would get generous and say- "Okay, it's your turn Laura!" I would gear up for my part and say "Good....night.... ever-y-bod-y", as I tried to stretch my part out as long as I could. I would do a little curtsey and that would be the beginning and end of my performance.

Every year on Christmas we would put on a show for our family. One year, we used a song from The Osmond's Christmas Show of '78. Our cousin Larry was a good dancer too for a boy. Carrie would stand in the middle of us, being the eldest, and we would take her cues. It was a big event! We began singing and dancing from side to side, "It never snows in L.A. so Santa don't bring me a sleigh, I'll leave a key by our door cause there's no chimney anymore...." a standing ovation soon followed!

These classic Christmas specials remain so close to my heart.

I looked forward to watching them every year with my sister.

May you always hold close your Christmas pasts- including favourite traditions and memories. They are yours to cherish for many years to come!

Blessings and love to thee.

kindred spirits

2006-12-13T14:49:00.000-05:00

ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

"I've always dreamed of having a bosom friend...a true kindred spirit"

~Anne Shirley to her friend Diana Barry.

kindred spirit- a friendship that has no bounds; to be together in spirit always despite what circumstances life may bring your way.

This was our movie. We watched it probably twenty times, Siobbhan and I. It brought us closer together and we proclaimed after having watched the movie, that we too, had to be kindred spirits.

We were drawn to this movie because it emphasized how special it is to have one good friend. The challenges these young girls faced were things we could relate to. Self image concerns, insecurities, never feeling good enough, apprehensions about our life paths and not knowing where to place ourselves sometimes.

Siobbhan was older than me... by one month, one day and one year. Funny eh? When we first knew of one another, we kept our distance. Back then, she was known for her rebellious nature while I was trying to be a "teacher's pet." You had to be when you were hanging out with the librarian's daughter. When my parents divorced I was alienated by that group of friends. They no longer wanted to hang around me. It was like I was suddenly defective or something. I was now a "child of divorce" don't ya know. I think their parents thought I would suddenly be a bad influence. I then found a new group of friends. They were a far more interesting and ecclectic group of friends. They came from all walks of life- some had blended families, others had been adopted, a few had been living with their single parents (like me) and there were even some whose parents were still married (Siobbhan was one of them). She accepted me! This friendship was off to a great start.

Her family was very large. It was often busy and chaotic in her home and sometimes Siobbhan got lost in the crowd. Her dad had to work long hours and her mom was in school for nursing. It had to be a lot of pressure for her parents back then with four kids, in retrospect. Siobbhan's mom was an amazing seamstress. She sewed lots of clothes and halloween costumes for her family! From what I can recall, Adrienne was a very soft spoken, gentle hearted woman. She was always polite and smiled often. As a kid, I found her intriguingly mysterious. She striked me as the kind of mom that would not raise her voice very often but she could be firm when she had to. Siobbhan's dad Mike was very involved in his kids' lives. He coached a lot of sports at our school. He would do anything for you but he was a "no nonsense" kind of a dad. He would be the one I recall Siobbhan getting heck from! We deserved it though! His face would turn beat red as he would bite his lip and stand there with his hands on his hips scolding us from time to time.

My home life was challenging during this time. My parents were recently separated. Mom worked very long hours to try to make ends meet. She was hurting and trying to cope with her own feelings about the divorce. We remained in touch with dad but it was hard on all of us living apart now. It was my older sister Carrie who was often left to look out for me. She had a hard time because I used to give her a run for her money. I was a kid that couldn't stand still. I was a curious creature who needed to be out exploring the world at a very young age. My parents were in their early thirties during this time. Wow- now that I am an adult and around that age, it puts a completely different spin on things. I can't imagine having to part ways with your spouse when there are children involved. It was very difficult for both of them.

In our own way, Siobbhan and I were struggling with similar issues but our family circumstances were very different in many ways. We were and still are "old souls". Always compassionate for the underdogs, always intolerant of the over-achievers and there we were somewhere in the middle of it all. I felt confused and alone in this time of my life as I tried to make sense of so many things.

I had a vivid imagination as a kid. It kept me safe sometimes. It was like a shield for when things were difficult. I always felt so comforted having a friend that would take my thoughts away to a different place. A place that was free of worry or concern. I had no care in the world when I was with my kindred spirit. We would roam and explore together creating our very own childhood adventures. Often times we would hike the escarpment all day long with our packed lunch, the clothes on our back and eachother. That's all we needed. We'd sit in our favourite spot overlooking the city. We felt so big and invincible standing on top of the mountain. We'd just sit there and talk for hours on end about everything under the sun. Time stood still when we were together. Ask our parents because they would often be ready to send out a search party, as we strolled in after dusk.

A move eventually put some distance between us and Siobbhan was now entering grade 9. I felt abandoned as I apprehensively took to hanging around grade 8 students again. What a transition. I needed her. Eventually, fate would have its way and Siobbhan and I grew apart. Once I came to her high school in grade 10, she was well established with her new set of friends. It wasn't the same, although she tried to include me. I just wanted her to myself again. Life was getting far more complicated now. Boyfriends, homework, new friends, new pressures. I yearned for those days when life was simple. I missed those days but they were gone.

Life sometimes takes people in different directions, I have learned. However, some people leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.

We finally re-connected a few years back. We embarked on a road trip to see my father in Wiarton. No kids, no hubbies. Just the two of us. It was as though no time had passed. We were still the same girls now in adult bodies. On the way home, we stopped, parked the car and with our ice cappuccinos, sat under an umbrella in our lawn chairs along the side of the country highway, smoking cigarettes like two school girls. I didn't want that moment to end.

I feel so alive in her presence. She remains good to the core. She is the most humble, kind, gentle, compassionate being I know. She oozes with comfort, wisdom and just plain old goodness. Her pleasures are focused around her family. She is a mother who will nurture her children with so much love that they will grow up to be happy, self-assured and conscientious young people. I will be indebted to her for life. She inspires me to be a good person.

We are mothers now together. How beautiful is that. Siobbhan has a beautiful daughter Sadie and just had a baby boy Jack who is three months older than Fischer. They will all be playmates, we are certain. Our husbands are so much like one another too. I believe we never lost sight of what we both wanted in our lives- to love and be loved. We both have been so blessed with our husbands.

Thank you for coming back into my life my dear Spiro. I can't wait to build many memories with you as we grow old together.

"I solemnly swear to remain faithful to my bosom friend as long as the sun and moon shall endure"

- Anne Shirley

a blended family

2006-12-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

As I lay in the hospital bed, I am surrounded by family. My mother on one side of me and my step-mother on the other. My father is sitting in a chair beside my husband whispering as they hold this new bundle of joy that has just entered our lives. My sister stands over them with a smile.

I look around. I feel peace. I feel love. My blended family is beautiful. I would not ask for anything more. People say divorce is difficult. Sure it is. I remember. It wasn't all bad either though. I have more siblings, more parents and most of all I have lots of people to love.
Love makes the world go 'round.

our five senses

2006-12-04T20:12:00.000-05:00

Today I thought about my five senses and how much we don't pay attention to them at times. They are so special and they are all a gift. Someone once asked me- if you had to give up one of your senses, what would it be. I carefully reviewed them in my mind....

1) sight- no couldn't give that one up because I see too much beauty in my surroundings. I see my husband's loving gaze, my baby's sweet rosy cheeks, my parents' beautiful laugh lines, the sunlight and moonlight, flowers blooming. There is just way too much around me to see and to love!

2) hearing- no definately couldn't part with this sense. I love to hear people's laughter and song, the raindrops on my window at night, the waves on the beach, the words I love you and good night from my father, the sound of children squealing with delight as they run by, the sound of music to my ears. No way. Couldn't give this up.

3) taste- oh my love for food and drink! I can't imagine not being able to taste chocolate, or a ripe watermelon or nectarine, a juicy orange, a sour lemonade that makes your cheeks pucker, or the yummy taste of cheesy PIZZA! My favourite food of all!

4) smell- to go without the ability to smell would be very difficult too. No more following your nose to the nearest bakery for a fresh loaf of bread or cinnabuns, no more picking a flower stem for the love of your life and smelling it all the way home, no more smelling of a baby's soft scented hair and skin or the aroma of candles, baked goods and evergreens on a Christmas night.

5) touch- I definately couldn't sacrifice my need for touch. I am soothed by touch. The touch on my shoulder from an old friend, the soft carress from my husband as he greets me hello, the sweet kisses from niece and nephew goodnight, the tender backrubs from mother and the hugs from grandma that always warm my heart.

Bottom line is.. all of our five senses are equally as thrilling, as beautiful and as important. Tomorrow pay attention to all of them and cherish them. They are yours to keep- your five senses that will keep you in touch with the world that surrounds you.

Good night xoxoxox

on being good enough

2006-12-03T15:34:00.000-05:00

As Fischer discovers his hands and feet, we discover our love growing to new heights for this little baby of ours.

He has a new look- a twinkle in his eye when he squeals with delight at the mere sight of us. It amazes me to think that no matter how good we are to this little babe, it is his understanding that we are flawless. It is all he knows and it will always be good enough - in this stage anyway! I ask him to be patient sometimes as I fumble with his clothes and don't take them off as good or as quickly as I'd like or when I can't always determine his needs when he cries. I must say it is pretty wonderful to have a little person love you unconditionally no matter how quick, on the ball or flustered I may become.

Each day that passes, we grow more familiar with one another as we become a family unit.

I pray we will take each day as it comes and embrace all the small treasures and rewards of parenting and may Fischer enjoy all of the small treasures and rewards of being a new person in this world.

It all adds up into something really wonderful..

the missing green cords

2006-11-28T23:32:00.000-05:00

"I don't have a clue where they could be," I said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Sure you do and if I find out you had something to do with them disappearing, you will regret it. Got me?" she snarled.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead as she turned away and stomped out of my bedroom. I quickly closed the door and peered out my bedroom window. I could still see the dirt piled up where I had buried them the day before. I closed the light and tried to calm myself away to dreamland so I could escape my guilt.

The morning came. The guilt hurried back. I looked out the window again. I shuttered and headed downstairs for breakfast.

Having a big sister had its priveleges. I could wear her stylish clothes, copy her latest hair-do's and even try on her bra when she wasn't around - wishing for the day to come that I could have one of my very own.

This time I knew I blew it. We both loved those green cords. They were light green and had laces at the bottom to tie up. Sounds gross now but they were very cool back then. I knew when she warned me that morning to take care of them, I was taking a big chance. I was somewhat careless and clumsy at the best of times. I decided to take the short-cut to school and without a care in the world, I jumped the fence. I almost peeed myself. "R-R-R-R-R-I-P". There was a huge tear from my bum all the way down to my ankle. I actually got stuck on the fence and had to pull the wire out that had ended the short life of my sister's favourite pants. The green cords. The now missing green cords.

I wonder if they are still buried in our backyard on Norway Avenue??????

Lenny

2006-11-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

It was a cold February evening- Valentine's Day. I was 19 at the time and on my way home from work. A modest paying job for a gal my age - $10 per hour as I recall. I sat on the bus with my arms full of gifts - mostly chocolate. I could hardly see out the window because they were all steamed up. The bus was full of passengers. Many were left standing. I always looked forward to the ride past my old neighbourhood. I would look up Ashford Boulevard at my best friend Siobbhan's old house and smile from ear to ear. The 7/11 store still stood on the corner where we would load up on candy each day before school - Siobbhan always had more change than me. She had a steady source from her Dad's stash of coins he would leave on the kitchen table. We would share our penny candy, sucking on each one and saving the sour cherries for last. They were my favourite!

I peered out the bus window this time and couldn't believe my eyes! There was "Lenny". I hadn't seen him in YEARS! He was walking by the 7/11 store where I met him for the first time when we were kids! I could've cried. I think I did. "Lenny" was a homeless man who walked back and forth down Main Street all day long near our school. He was older then but now he looked even more fragile. What was he doing still homeless, I thought. "Lenny" shuffled down the snow-filled street in his shoes that were all torn up. I peered down at him from the bus window and I was overcome with emotion. I quickly pulled the bell and got off at the next stop. I ran up the street towards him and shouted "Lenny, Lenny!" He turned around and looked at me with a blank gaze. "Are you talking to me", he said quietly. I then regained my composure and realized why he had not responded to my calling out to him. I had never learned of "Lenny's" real name. I gave him this name when I met him years ago and would run into him often on the street. He would simply humour me and go along. "Hi Sir", I said, this time in my adult voice. He smiled. I emptied all of the remaining money out of my wallet. It did not amount to very much since I just spent it all on chocolate. "Here you go, please buy yourself some hot coffee and get warmed up." "Lenny" opened his cold, red, chapped hands and held them out as I stuffed them with money. He looked up at me and said "Thanks sunshine". My heart melted. He used to say that to me as a kid when I would share my Skittles and Smarties with him on the bench outside 7/11.

"Lenny" began to shuffle away as I called out to him again. This time I didn't slip with his name. "Sir, would you like some chocolate too?", I asked. "Always", he said.

I watched him walk away into the night and I knew that would probably be my last sighting of "Lenny". He had been homeless for many years. As a child I could never understand how people could not have a house to go home to.

I still couldn't understand at 19.

Wherever you are now Lenny, I hope you are warm.

the life of a flyfisher

2006-11-27T12:41:00.000-05:00

The sunrise greeted him from the east as he slowly walked through the calm and shallow water in hopes of a good day on the river. He could see his "friends" rising in the distance for their morning feed. He smiled. With his walking stick in hand, he entered the deeper water with his waders shielding him from the frigid water. It was a cool autumn morning. His favourite time of year. The bright orange leaves still on their branches overlooking the riverbank. The scenery perfect and serene. He paused, looked around and sighed. He takes it all in.

His first cast is always as graceful as ever. Strong, smooth, consistent. He is now fishing. The line running downstream; fly in sight. He repeats a few casts while he enjoys the solitude. A time for reflection. A time to give thanks. Suddenly, a jolt, a splash. A beautiful brown trout! He brings it in quickly; wide grin on face, steady hand. He gently releases his friend back into the water and bids him a fine farewell until next time.

I love you Gerard, my husband, Fischer's dad, my friend.

a big sister's sage advice

2006-11-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Laur,
I told you, you look different to me since you've had Fischer. Your personal growth is written all over you, and you shine shine shine. These are wonderful days for you indeed. Aunt Sharon said something to me when Alex was first born, when I was overwhelmed with joy and so much love for her that I thought I'd burst. She told me that Motherhood is the absolute ultimate thing in life without a doubt, there are times when you feel like you can conquer every world issue, just you and your baby, but it also has doses of gut wrenching worry and plenty of frustration as kids get older ... all you can do is forgive yourself for your mistakes. You will make plenty. It does become somewhat tainted overtime as children grown up..... Your ideal nutritional plan for them will go out the window when they start school and lunchables and treats are favored over your carefully planned perfectly balanced lunch of raw veggies and 7 grain wheat. You start hearing their "friendisms" in their language. You have to ASK for hugs when they get home from school. The world gets a hold of them and they slowing become their own person and not just an extention of you, safely latched to your breast. I try and teach the kids that if we could all just be responsible for doing one thing everyday, it should be that we're mindful of ourselves, our actions and words and how we treat others, good lives happen.
I love you lots, Care

cat and mouse

2006-11-26T17:25:00.000-05:00

Anna was an elderly neighbour of polish descent. She moved into the home of my good friend who had to move away. I was devasted. Anna was to blame of course, or so I thought. How dare she run Sneznia and her family out of the neighbourhood. She had it coming!

On moving day, Anna snarled at all of us on-lookers. My plan was born and I would be giving my new neighbour my very own heart-felt welcome later on that week when the time was right!

The day came. It was a perfect summer night - black as pitch and not a star in the sky! Excellent conditions for "the job", I thought. As I crept over to the bushes near Anna's, I could see her sitting in a chair. The lights were off but the television flickered through the curtains. Suddenly, Anna bolted up from her chair as an erratic beam of light zapped her in the eye. Wildly, I swirled the flashlight. My heart was pounding. I was laughing uncontrollably and squealing with delight! Anna whipped open her front door - I acted quickly. Out went the light and I crept away into the darkness. Anna stood on her porch and yelled something out in polish. Quickly, she turned back into the house, slamming the door.

Carefully, I waited for Anna to get settled back into her chair before I got carried away again. This time, I laughed even harder as I saw Anna spring from her seat with cat-like agility- she was an old bird but could really move.

I persisted with this game of cat and mouse at least four times! What was I thinking?!? I should've packed it in sooner. I could have boasted a "successful mission" at my next clubhouse meeting and looked like a big shot. Instead, my impulsivity prevailed and so did Anna, I suppose.

On the fourth attempt, Anna discovered the light source and must have crawled past the living room window to her back door. Before I knew it, my squeals of delight lead to my demise. Pulling me out of the bushes by my impish ten-year-old ear, Anna marched me all the way home. She was practically foaming at the mouth as she spewed polish profanities.
I was ashamed but had no regrets. I was a kid.

Fischer, please remember to respect your elders as I do now.

A colourful selection...

2006-11-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Fischer,

There are so many things I want to tell you as your mother. As long as you are my young boy, I will give you many opportunities to learn about people. When you are grown up, I hope you continue to do this on your own.

People come in many different shapes, colours and sizes. Choose a colourful selection of people to surround yourself with. It would be boring if you had ten of the same friends who looked the same, thought the same and acted the same. Instead, open yourself up to learning how people live and what's on their minds. Ask lots of questions! Don't be shy. Be respectful and gentle with people's hearts. You will come from a good place and you will be a good friend. I can see it in your eyes already. You are loyal and genuine. Your smile is warm.

The world is big and there are a lot of things about it that are scarey but keep your focus on your world. It is your own. Make it as good as it can be. You can make a difference. Look around you and help someone out. Don't waste time wondering how you will be repaid or who will notice. Just help. Live, Love and Laugh my sweet boy.
I adore you.

My friend Ab

2006-11-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

I used to take the same route home from school everyday. I would walk past this old, mysterious, stone house. I would never see who lived there. The same light in the living room would be on- day and night. I once peeked in the window and saw a white grand piano and lavish furnishings then a man appeared in the room and I ran! I wondered who he was and what he was like. Was he mean? Who played the piano? Did he have kids? It was kinda spooky how the curtains were always drawn half-way and you could barely see in the place. I wondered why. I would always run past the house now because I thought the man was scarey.

Years later, I was asked to take care of an elderly gentleman who lived in my old neighbourhood. I was intrigued and I happily agreed. I drove up to find that very same and now older, mysterious, stone house. I couldn't believe it!

I later learned that the man I saw in the window at least 15 years earlier was the man I would be taking care of today. A fine Jewish man was he. Ab Walters was his name. I enjoyed his company every Saturday and Sunday for the last two of his remaining years on this earth. I made him the same thing everyday for lunch and dinner. Lunch consisted of boiled broccoli and potatoes and a piece of baked fish. Dessert was a must- usually a streudel of some sort served with hot, hot coffee. Dinner was soup and toast. Dessert, again, was a must. He had a real sweet tooth. I also had the privilege of preparing his Sabbath meal on Fridays when his son-in-law Gordon would join us at 7pm. We would light the candles, drink the sweet wine and I would even eat the gafelta fish. Mr. Walters was delighted! We would cling our glasses together and in unison say "La Hiehm", cheers in Yiddish.

One day I watched him sleep soundly during his afternoon nap at 3pm. I wondered what he dreamt about since he would make the odd grumble or squeak in his sleep. Suddenly, I was captivated by this vision. As I looked closer, my eyes were transfixed. His wrinkles were gone and he was a middle aged man like the picture I had seen of him downstairs. I blinked again and there he was. A seasoned grandfather who was getting tired. The wear and tear on his body was catching up with him. In his 90's, Ab was doing well. His mind was clear and his overall health was good. I couldn't help but wonder though how long my friend would continue to be around to entertain me with his humour, song and wit. I had grown quite fond of Ab and his antics. Singing was one of our favourite past-times together. I think he liked the fact that I was a young person who had an appreciation for Al Jolson- thanks to my father. He would take my hands and dance with me in his living room- he would shift from side to side but never move his feet. We'd laugh often.

Our time together would go by so quickly. Before I knew it, the evening was here and our night routine was underway. He was all about routines. I could still remember each step clearly- he would wash up, change into his "bed-clothes" which consisted of a pair of long johns, an undershirt, socks, a crisp white dress shirt and suit jacket. I kid you not. I would tuck him in like a little child. The blankets had to be tucked snuggly under his feet and around his body so he wouldn't catch a draft.

He would always end our day together with a thank you.

Thank you Mr. Walters. Rest in Peace my friend.

thankfulness...

2006-11-04T18:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight may be a sleepless night...not for the reasons one may think. Yes, I am a new mother and it comes with the territory. However, tonight feels different. It is my husband's birthday and it got me thinking. Nearly forty something years ago I wonder if Gerard's mother felt the same thing I do tonight. Did she look into her newborn's eyes and feel both fearful and fearless. In one moment did she feel she was all grown up and could conquer the world and a split second later feel like curling up into a little ball and hiding in a corner until she was rescued by her father, wishing she were a little girl again?

I see the world completely different now. Did I really think that all of this grown up stuff- buying a new home, getting married, having children was all that it was cracked up to be? Now that I am here, I travel back and forth through time into the past, present and future. In the past, I am a vulnerable but spunky child to my parents, in the present I am a new and excited mother to Fischer and in the future I am a wise and seasoned grandmother. Though I cannot wait for my son's life to unfold, there is a huge part of me that yearns for time to stand still, for right now I have everything I need. A loving husband whose gaze I catch from across a room and get instant butterflies, parents who are still young enough to run circles around me and old enough to know better, a sister who is in her thirties and is coming into her own, a feisty grandmother who I can sit with for endless hours and laugh about her past romances and a son who is so new that his skin has no signs of sun damage or laugh lines yet.

Life is more complicated than we like to admit. We always want to speed things up and get to the good parts- to speed up dating and get a ring on our finger, to hurry up and pay our mortgages off, to finally have enough money to buy the car we always wanted and to have our parents get off our backs. Today I would wish for a thousand more dates with Gerard as my boyfriend, an apartment with a good landlord, a beat up jeep that I could pack a dozen girlfriends in with a really good stereo and a lecturing parent saying "be sure to pay your student loan on time and drive carefully".

There are no regrets- if I could sum it all up I would say... a part of me wants to freeze time and still be wet behind the ears. I want to play in mud puddles and dance in the rain until I hear my mother calling me home. I wish I could have known back then what was in store for me as a wife and mother because I wouldn't have wasted all of those tears on past boyfriends knowing Gerard & Fischer were just around the corner.

Our blessings in life are so plentiful if we just pay attention to them and savor the moment. If anyone has any weird or wonderful advice on how to put this all into perspective, I am all ears. Bye for now and good night. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.